We now enter into the lesser hell-scape of my non-literary ramblings.
I am sorry.
UPDATE ON SCRIBBLINGS
A. NEXT FANTASY STORY
The next Fantasy story is pretty much done, except for some revisions and such. I’m teaching myself to be better at editing, so I don’t think I’m going to be shouting “Yes, I’m done! Let’s go ahead and publish this bitch!” as often as I once did.
It’s time for me to step up to the next level, and that means lots and lots of editing.
Sigh.
For a tease, it’s an epistolary story (one told through documents) about the “Demons” of the Fantasy World. After you read it, you should have a pretty good idea what the Box Tree from “Ironwood” was designed to contain. You’ll also get a passing reference to a minor villain from Book I of the main series (which will probably be written in three years, and if I can get a publisher, published a couple of years after that… so uh… wait for that I guess?).
Also, a very talented reader was kind enough to do some art for the story. Expect that to be awesome.
B. GRAY BOLT
I think I’ve solved the problem I had with “Gray Bolt.” I’ve figured out how to make it into a decent story. I had no problems with it being just an “okay” story, but the way it was written it was sloppy. Sloppy and stupid.
I would NOT have been okay with a sloppy or stupid story, even for my first book.
Knock on wood, I think I can get a good first draft of that done in a month and change. It will be up when it’s done and polished.
Like I said. I’m going to start teaching myself to edit thoroughly.
Plus, there’s a real great guy named Frank helping me go through it. I can’t even tell you how many things that has helped me to realize needed fixing.
C. THE TANT GIRL
This is the tentative title of my next big story, although it will probably change. I wrote a summary of the whole story out last night in about two hours. I’ve been thinking about it for months so it was a pretty painless process. The outline came in at 4.5k which probably means that “The Tant Girl” going to be about the same size as Gray Bolt.
As a matter of fact, the more I think about it the more I think it’s a good idea to write several novels written in my Fantasy universe. I think I can do that fairly quickly as well because the thing that mostly knocked me for a loop in Gray Bolt is that I published it as I was writing it.
I am never EVER doing that again.
Anyway, expect great things.
UPDATE ON MERCHANDISE
Firstly, thank you all for your suggestions. I read and considered each and every one, and I appreciate that you all cared enough to make write them in.
What I’ll probably do is this:
1. Make audio books available for download on iTunes. I’ll read two or three hours worth of stuff on every audio book.
I’ll also sell autographed CD’s for those who want physical copies.
Anyone know of any good software for sound editing? Or where I can get a cheap microphone that doesn’t suck?
2. Put up a donation button for you to “contribute” for my longer works. After the next Fantasy story goes up, I’m anticipating that all of them are going to get significantly longer. Probably novella size, although I think a couple will be novel length.
Look forward to that.
I really want to start building the audience for that world, so: publicly available content yay!
3. Sell Secret Stories
I will sell you secret stories that will be secret for like a year before I post them. Muahahahaha. I will also personalize them however you want.
4. Expand to meet any demand.
Like I said, I don’t really have infrastructure to sell merchandise. But if I do, I’ll expand.
Again, thank you all so much for your suggestions. They were all super appreciated.
DENNIS THE MENACE
I found Dennis the Menace the other day picking a fight with pretty much every other kid in the neighborhood. While I do not like to overtly interfere with the social development of children, the fact that he decided to have this fight in my driveway more or less demanded my interference.
That and listening to a bunch of kids argue about whether or not “A-hole” counted as a curse-word made it very hard to write.
I stormed outside, did that grim-faced thing where I told all the kids to go home but added “Except you, Dennis” just before he could escape.
It felt very cheesy, especially when Dennis groaned “Oh come on!”
I took him aside, and did that whole heart to heart bit where we had a conversation about how we handle “our feelings.” I explained that every time I had ever seen a fight in the neighborhood he was involved. I asked him if he knew what “common denominator” meant. He nodded.
So I explained it anyway because he likes to lie about that kind of stuff.
I asked him if he wanted to go through his whole life fighting with people.
Then he started to cry.
After that, I more or less tucked him under my arm, hauled him inside the house and made him go through a bookshelf with me. I told him since he can’t handle his feelings he needs to get a hobby where he doesn’t have to be around people when he feels upset and needs something to do.
In order of reverse heresy, I tried to give him “The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe,” “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone,” and “The Golden Compass.”
He said his parents told him he wasn’t allowed to read anything until he was done with “The O’Reilly Factor for Kids.”
I sighed.
For a very long time.
I mean, seriously?
“The O’Reilly Factor for Kids!”
RECOMMENDATIONS
I’ve never wanted to own a bookstore, but I can assure you that if I did it would be a very dangerous place. No, scratch that… “dangerous” doesn’t quite do it justice. I’m talking about “Sacred Temple from Indiana Jones” levels of possible bodily harm.
Got it?
I would not simply refuse to carry titles I did not care for. I would instead stock them in prominent positions and booby-trap each and every one. That’s right. I would not stop at simply recommending books I like. I would actively destroy those who like books I hate.
Books with flat characters, no action, or worse, books with flat characters who only ever sit around being depressed while contemplating the inevitability of death, would be outfitted with a mousetrap like device.
You want to pick up that depressing non-story of a book for purchase?
WHACK!
There go your fingers for the next couple of weeks.
At the back of the store, I would put those titles lauded by critics but hated by me. Those books that are complete psychological pitfalls, which have plots, but plots that have no actual meaning. Symbolism my ass. You were on heroin when you wrote this, and don’t try to fool me! My uncle Mike is a better con artist than you could ever hope to be!
Prospective buyers would approach these books, wondering why they are all in such a narrow section of the bookstore. They would further wonder why there seemed to be a circular pile of palm fronds directly in front of the section.
I’ll tell you why.
It’s a Tiger Pit.
Approach at your own risk.*
Then there are the minor traps. Anyone picking up a book by VC Andrews would immediately activate a robotic spray paint system. It would stencil the words “I secretly want to have sex with my relatives” across their foreheads.
I’m sorry, but someone has to draw the line somewhere.
So, now that I’ve shared that, here’s the real reason I wrote this. Here is a list of free friction that I have partaken of on the internet. I offer it to you, since as I have no intention of spending money I don’t have on buying these books the least I can do is make you people buy it instead.
Magic Kingdom for Sale — Sold!
In which a depressed lawyer from Chicago buys a magical fairy kingdom and discovers the King inside of himself. This is Terry Brooks at his best, wherein at the resolution of the story the protagonist is made to discover something about him or herself that fits in with the plot like a puzzle piece.
You can find it by following the link or going to any bookstore on the face of the planet Earth.
This is another Brandon Sanderson book. I read it about a year ago, and it just came out for release this week from what I understand. I very much enjoyed it when I read it and I would buy it if I had the means.
The story is essentially about a god who doesn’t believe in his own religion. It’s also about the magic of colors, swords that can talk, and a crotchety old wizard who spends his time stopping wars.
If you live in a colorless hopeless world, where your cutlery has never -not even ONCE- engaged you in witty banter then this is the book for you.
Plus, you can still read it online for free, by clicking on the above link. Otherwise go to Borders, although last time I checked out the Borders in the wasteland of Idaho they did not have “The Hero of Ages” which infuriated me to no end.
NOTE:
If you do read these on-line for free and enjoy it, I’d recommend you do what I do: pimp it to other people. Seriously, it only takes a second and well… just don’t be an asshole. I pimp every free thing I have ever read and enjoyed on the internet.
*Is it just me or is there a palpable dearth of tiger pits covered with palm fronds on television? Every show from the 1980′s had at least one episode with a tiger pit. Now? Nothing. It’s a damn shame.
