UPDATE 9/16/11:
I’m going to blame the original way I wrote this on my age. Four and a half years on, I’ve got three rules for making fun of people that I more or less try to live by.
1. It’s only okay to make fun of someone if they really deserve or really obviously don’t deserve it.
2. It’s only okay to make fun of someone if they’ve in some way inserted themselves into the public sphere.
3. Understand what you make fun of, even if you’re going to be cruel.
Obviously, I find it hilarious that Brandon Sanderson is like the nicest man in the universe. That’s why it’s okay to make fun of him. But even though I don’t really ever have malicious intent when I make fun of things, I probably ought not to have made fun of his wife however lightly. I have no understanding of that at all, anyway, so it should have been out of bounds.
Not that I think it’s not okay to be a dick sometimes… just, you know… make sure the occasion warrants it first.
P.S. I never got any kind of response from this negative or positive, it’s just something that bothered me from time to time when I went back through my archives. I really do try to apply ethics when I make fun of stuff, this unfortunately was a failed experiment.
As some of you may or may not know, alongside my loves of carpentry, older women, chests used for storage on maritime vessels, and the theory of cosmic censorship, I have been known to enjoy the occasional fantasy novel. While I don’t speak of this often, suffice it to say, the portion of my memory set aside to such things as the wizardly acumen of Raistlin Majere, the geography of the world of Krynn, and the nature of the curse upon Lord Loren Soth, Knight of the Black Rose, is several hundred thousand percent larger than in the average individual.
All of this archaic knowledge however, is dwarfed by the amount of –what I would term fascinating, and what most people I know would term as useless- information I know about “The Wheel of Time” by Robert Jordan. Out of the three times I have referred to Mr. Jordan in this blog, the first two were in reference to his series being directly responsible for me being injured by a sword. The last, sadly, was a reflection on what his series meant to me when I found out about his untimely death.
Robert Jordan passed away before he had a chance to finish “The Wheel of Time,” leaving behind only a partial manuscript of his final book, a computer filled with notes, and extensive outlines. A week ago author Brandon Sanderson was chosen to finish Robert Jordan’s epic, and I, like most fans, was skeptical.
After reading all of Mr. Sanderson’s blog entries on his personal website, and taking a trip to a neighboring county to pick up one of his books (there is not a single bookstore in all of Grays Harbor County. Yes, it’s sad. Yes, it’s true) I would like to reassure the Wheel of Time community that Brandon Sanderson is a man we can trust.
Reason #1: Just look at him
There was a hilarious picture of Brandon Sanderson here that I lost in my site crash. Verily, I am too lazy to recover it.
Some men are born conniving liars, murderous hate-filled delinquent malcontents who, upon finding they lack the ability to create beauty, define themselves solely by their ability to destroy it. Upon beholding a work of art such as a stained-glass window, such a man thinks not “how many hours did its maker put into its creation?” but rather appraises its value by thinking “how much trouble will I be in if I break this?”
If you think Brandon Sanderson is such a man, I repeat: just look at him.
Using powers of divination so powerful, it would be more accurate to refer to them as mathematical deduction, I can give you the following fact about Brandon Sanderson.
Fact: Brandon Sanderson has never broken the law in his entire life. Ever. One day, in 1987, while his nose was buried in a book, he almost jay-walked, but thankfully caught himself in time. On the few occasions he has used swear language, he has blushed, felt deeply ashamed, and apologized to everyone he saw thereafter. Also, he is Mormon. No really. I figured this out before I read about it in his blog. Look at him. Even the Mitt Romney’s face doesn’t scream “Mormon!” as powerfully as Brandon Sanderson’s.
Reason #2: He is Mormon
When I spent a summer working on an oil rig in New Mexico, I had the opportunity to learn a great deal about the Mormon religion.
As the only white person on the entire job site, I was made to ride in the bed of the crew truck for the five hours we spent commuting to and from the oil rig each day. While sitting on the truck’s spare tire, wrapped in a small ball, trying to hold in heat so I didn’t freeze to death in the middle of the desert, the rest of the crew would hurl empty beer cans and insults at me through the back window. It was during one such evening of richly undeserved reverse racism, that I was first introduced to many of the principle tenets of the Mormon faith.
“Hey Shrek! Seen any Skin-Walkers lately?” Jason called, laughing an eerie Navajo laugh. It sounded like the heavy pant of an asthmatic dog. Skin-Walkers are a particular kind of demon in the Navajo tradition that have the ability to change their shape by wearing the skin of their victims. My motor-man, Jason, was adamantly convinced that given enough time one was going to jump out of the darkness and eat me. As for the Shrek part… well some people are just assholes.
“I’ll believe in Skin-Walkers when I see one, Jason.”
“I know what you mean. I never believed in ogres until I met you.” Jason then punctuated his insult by throwing an empty beer can at my head, which I dodged, and then he filled the warm truck cab with his evil Indian laughter.
“What the hell is your problem, Jason?” I asked.
“I hate you LDS pieces of shit!” Jason sneered.
“I already told you! I don’t do drugs!” In my defense, we were traveling at over 60 mph, I was in the bed of a truck with wind howling in my ears, and during that summer I was offered meth and other drugs so many times that I was busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest turning everyone down.
“No you stupid ogre! I know you’re a Mormon!”
When I argued hoarsely that I was, in point of fact, not Mormon at all, Jason refused to believe me. As I do not drink, do drugs, sleep with oil field whores, or go to strip clubs I was obviously a Mormon and there was no use denying it.
The gist of the lesson being this: Mormons are the most uncomfortably nice people in the world. They’re exactly like robots who have been substituted for real people, to do the job of being a person better than actual people ever could.
In addition to this, there is actually quite a tradition of Mormons who write high-quality fantasy/sci-fi novels. Orson Scott Card, author of Ender’s Game, Ender’s Shadow, and The Alvin Maker series for one. For another, Tracy Hickman who co-authored: The Death Gate Cycle, The oringal Dragonlance novels, as well as The Dark Sword series.
Obviously this is a large mark in Mr. Sanderson’s favor. While I can’t be bothered to do any actual research on the topic, it is self-evident that there is something in the Mormon religion that causes people to collapse inward and seek escape in vivid inner fantasies where they can live in a better world where Mormons do not exist at all.
Reason #3: We’re going to cut this out, because I was a dick here
Reason #4: I was also a dick here
Reason #5: I read Mistborn
As I said earlier, when I found out that an author had been chosen to finish the Wheel of Time series, I immediately took it upon myself to find out everything about him that I could. To that end, after reading his blog archives, I drove to the state capitol, because there is literally no bookstore within 30 miles of where I live (Not that I hadn’t said that before, but… damn). After tearing through the Fantasy section, I was able to find only one title by Mr. Sanderson, “Mistborn: The Final Empire.”
After reading it, I can assure other WoT fans that while the book was good over-all, Brandon Sanderson’s strong suit is in his endings. There’s no greater strength an author could possibly have when facing the mammoth task that Mr. Sanderson faces. As the Aiel say, “May you always find water and shade.”
That being said, I still don’t envy this man… at all.
Author’s Note:
I primarily wrote this for fun. Let’s not bother the guy with it shall we? I don’t want a repeat of the Nobel Laureate incident. Nothing makes me feel worse than knowing that a person with important business had to take time out of their day to deal with my goofiness.
