I’m at my mom’s house for the summer looking after my little brother and sister while they’re on break from school. While I of course have done the typical dress, feed, and scold routine that comes with being a big brother, it wasn’t until yesterday I got a chance to really go out of my way to be the best big brother ever. My little sister and her friend wanted to go see the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 and needed a chaperon.
I would not have agreed had not a multitude of factors conspired to overcome my natural sense of reason.
1. My little sister’s friend has the saddest, biggest, puppy dog eyes I have ever seen in my life, and she’s moving away in a few weeks so this is probably the last time they’ll have together.
2. She’s also Mormon, and like people with severe mental handicaps, I feel Mormons have to be sheltered from the cruelties of the real world.
3. I wasn’t even fully assuaged by that until she said “But my mom said it was okay to see it because it’s PG-13 and that means there can only be two kisses in it!” Which was just so adorable coming from a nine year old that I ended up saying yes.
Thus began perhaps the most humiliating night of my life for the past five years. Fuck me running.
The First Humiliation
My mother drops us off at the theater because she has to go to the grocery store. I, a grown man, got dropped off to see “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2” by my mother. I don’t know why, but the fact that this was the sequel to “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” made it even worse. At least seeing the original would have afforded me some kind of dignity.
The Second Humiliation
I had the privilege of going up to the sales desk and saying “Two children… and uh… one adult to see ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants… Part Two’” which caused no end of amusement to the ladies on desk. They didn’t even have the decency to laugh out loud and leave me angry. They waited until I was almost out of earshot before they started to giggle.
Also, the kids were pretending like they didn’t even know me, so it’s not even like I could use them as a shield.
The Third Humiliation
I walk up to the ticket taker who is some meat head teenager with enormous forearms who decides he’s going to be shitty about my choice of films.
I said “How’s it going man?” as I handed him the tickets.
In a very dickish way he replied “Just working” rolled his eyes, looked at the title on the tickets and snorted. “Third door on the left.” As I walk by him he’s shaking his head.
I look back at the kids, and think but do not say, “You had better enjoy the fuck out of this film.”
The Fourth Humiliation
I stand behind the kids as I let them order their concessions. I refuse on principle to eat anything sold at a movie theater. Then I walk down to the theater. Surprise surprise. We’re an hour early.
“Karen, what time did you say the movie started?”
“Umm… it said 5:30 on the internet!”
So instead of being five minutes late I had the pleasure of arriving almost an hour early… to see the sequel… to “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.”
The Fifth Humiliation
So then I had the distinct pleasure of going back to the lobby, calling my mother on the phone, and saying “Yeah mom? I need you to pick us up. We’re an hour early… to see the sequel to ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.’” It was at that point that I got the feeling that everyone working on staff was starting to get a few laughs at my expense. I am sad to say I was not a big enough man to find humor in my own situation.
“Ha ha! Check it out! There’s some fucking loser 23 year old kid in here calling up his mom because he came too early to see ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2!’ It’s not even the first movie in the series so there’s no way he can have been fooled as to what it’s really about! Dude is calling his mom! What a fucking moron! If I was him I would shoot myself right now!”
The Sixth Humiliation
So when my mother shows up I’m told we can’t leave with our concessions by the ticket taker with the muscular forearms. I try to tell him that we’re coming right back because the movie starts in an hour, and he gives me another dickish snort.
The manager comes up and tells me I can give it to the people at concessions and retrieve it upon my return. At this time, I’m the only non-employee in the lobby, so everyone watches as I go back to the concession counter to give them the popcorn and pop (that I was not even going to eat or drink!) for the staff to hold onto until I got back.
The Seventh Humiliation
Then I sat in the car for an hour with the kids while my mom went to the bank and the kids talked about how they’re just like the girls with the magic pants.
My five year old niece Natasha, who has been here for a month and a half, said “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Pants aren’t magic. I’m happy I don’t have to go.”
I sank down really low in my seat and wished I was dead.
The Eighth Humiliation
I go back to the theater, I have to explain to the ticket taker guy with the beefy forearms who I am, even though I’m sure he already knows. I show him my ticket stub, he snorts again. If the kids hadn’t been there I would have fucking punched him in the neck. Then when he went down on the ground I would have squeezed his testicles between my palms like Superman crushing coal into a diamond and shouted “Who is laughing now you nutless fuck! Who is laughing now!”
Instead, I go to the concession stand, explain who I am again, and get the popcorn and pop (that I am not even going to fucking eat or drink!) back and give it to the kids. Then we get into the theater.
The Ninth Humiliation
The kids want to sit in the very front, so I go to sit down in the very front. They then tell me it’s uncool to be seen with an adult in the theater and they want to sit two rows behind me. I tell them that it’s much more uncool for an adult male to be seen alone at a showing OF THE FUCKING SEQUEL TO THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS!
So they end up sitting behind me, and I’m positioned perfectly for the 30+ women (I was literally the only man there) behind me to see a single white dude in the very front of the theater waiting for the SISTERHOOD OF THE FUCKING TRAVELING PANTS TWO to start.
The Ultimate Humiliation
Then I watched the movie. I tried to sleep, but I couldn’t. God help me, I couldn’t. For two hours and ten minutes I watched “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.”
