A long time ago, when it still wasn’t THAT weird that I had never known the love of a woman, I was attacked by a machete-wielding virgin-hating serial killer. Needless to say, I instantly transformed into a unicorn and used my massive horn to defend myself against her spectacular machete onslaught.
The battle lasted for hours, and silvery sparks lit up the night sky every time her machete made contact with my horn. At long last, I stood triumphant over her, and used my horn to remove her gas mask.
“Why did you attack me!” I thundered.
“Because…” she cried, and for a moment she paused mouth shaking, “you remind me of myself, and I can’t stand it!”
Sulfurous tendrils of air smoked out of my righteous unicorn nostrils.
“This is not a proper way to channel your sexual frustrations!” and I shook my head from side to side so that my mane danced like quicksilver in front of the moon.
“Ugh…” the beautiful serial killer said, “do you have to be… umm… phantasmagorical?”
BCWM: Stands for “BC Woods’ Militia” however, it also stands for “Big Cocked White Male” or even “BC’s White Member”
“Well excuse me for being a fantastical fucking creature! Why don’t you just run up to a black person and say ‘Hey! Do you have to go around being black all the time?’” I wept.
“Hey, I didn’t meant to sound racist. It’s just, you unicorns can get a little bit over the top on the fantastical imagery.” The machete wielder said.
“You know what, screw this. I’m going home. I didn’t come all the way to this volcano in the middle of nowhere to have a sword fight by proxy and get insulted for my sense of romance and wonderment.” I turned around and clip-clopped a short distance away.
“Hey! Get back here! I’m not through killing your yet!” The machete wielder taunted.
At which point, in a bit of my own misplaced sexual frustration, I stabbed the machete-wielder in the chest with my glorious unicorn horn.
“What… what have you done?” the woman said, looking down at her chest and then into my eyes.
“I… I’m sorry! I just got carried away.”
The woman sneered. “I have a secret.”
At which point she turned into a black unicorn….
… and went home to make a chicken sandwich.
The End
Author’s Note: Thanks to the anonymous Virgin Sacrifice, for not only her contribution but for buying her own machete. Both I, and my wallet thank you!
