One day a fair maiden got lost in the forest, and fell asleep under a sprawling elm tree.
But this is not the story of that fair maiden.
Nor is it the story of the magical Tree Spirit that came to life and made awkward, fumbly love to that young maiden while she slept.*
It is not even the story of the woman’s fiancee, who the very next day married her, and took her to bed with no idea she was already pregnant with a fey child.
That fey child lived a very strange and interesting life.
Unfortunately, we will not talk about that child here. Nor the many occasions she saved the world, or how she eventually ascended to godhood and learned the meaning of Life itself.
Instead, here are some pictures of ShawShaw in narrative form.
*It’s not rape because it was a Tree Spirit.
Here, the villainous cat from “Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers” guards a magical machete. His single glowing green eye stares covetously at his enemies, and he thinks dark thoughts about skulls and snakes.
Now ShawShaw transforms into a cat and engages in combat with the evil “Fat Cat” by causing his front leg to bend in with the carpet. Yes, I just threw a shape-shifting power into the middle of this. Fuck you, I worked today.
This causes “Fat Cat” to fall forward, and impale himself on the machete as he gets so confused he forgets to make sure his leg keeps on existing. And yes, I just posited that thinking things makes them so. Fuck you, there are twenty women with a machete who will back me up.
Now ShawShaw, transforms into a sort of were-pixie and indulges in Asian/Pirate/Superhero stereotypes by gloating over her kill.
Here, ShawShaw wears a fuck load of belts and stands in a slightly different position than previous. Proving that the Heisenberg uncertainty principle is true, and that it is kind of possible for a cat’s leg not to exist if the cat doesn’t know it’s there… and uh… the rest of the universe doesn’t see it either.
Here, an invisible ghost tries to steal ShawShaw’s helmet and I very seriously consider the repercussions of my chosen machete-giving lifestyle.
Also, ShawShaw’s husband is still not good enough for her. One day, when I am rich, I will kidnap her and embalm her, and put her on display like Evita. Until then, I will sit alone in my room and sigh a lot.
