Although I had to ship a machete all the way to Germany,* I think you’ll agree it was well worth the cost. Not only did Kiyudr supply excellent pictures (turns evil eye on all those who have not sent machete pictures who live on THE SAME CONTINENT AS MYSELF) she ALSO wrote her own text.
OH, and she also just graduated from Oxford and has a super fancy science degree. So feel inferior!
*It was illegal to ship a machete to London, but as you might imagine it was a-okay for Germany. Luckily, her boyfriend lived there.
One miserable afternoon, Kiyudr was studying for exams in the library. Suddenly she had a vision from Obi-Wan Kenobi, who revealed to her a terrible thing: George Lucas had bought the Umbrella Corporation in a secret deal (well, it was secret until now). If Lucas were allowed to proceed with his evil plans, Star Wars would no longer be Star Wars. He anticipates anger from the fans, and has built an army of stormtrooper zombies to hold them at bay.
Kiyudr said, “Obi-Wan Kenobi, I am truly honoured you have chosen to reveal this first to me, but I have no powers, so why the fuck tell me?”
Obi-Wan said, with an enigmatic smile, “Because you’ll look bad-ass decapitating zombies…. Wearing subfusc.”
“Er, what? Why would zombies be wearing subfusc?”
“No, no, YOU will wear subfusc.”, Obi-Wan clarified, his smile fading somewhat.
“Arse. You do know how uncomfortable it is, right? “, Kiyudr whined.
“Try fighting Sith Lords in Jedi robes. THEN you’ll have my sympathy. I mean, try doing acrobatics and dodging lightsabres while flapping like a bat…”
So Kiyudr went Online, and the Force guided her to BC Woods’ blog. There she saw that he was offering to buy women machetes in some warped application of Rule 34. Due to the transient nature of student accommodation, the machete was sent to a valiant warrior, Ashpile, who will train her in the ways of close combat, decapitation and sheer bad-assery. In other words, nothing like the Cold Steel adverts.
Then came the day when the machete arrived. From his network of super-spies, George Lucas had learnt of this ickle future-warrior of mere 5″2′, and sent word to Customs Office. The underpaid minions of Customs held the machete hostage and demanded payment of taxes. The brave Ashpile held aloft the included receipt, declaring that “Zese are not ze taxes you zeek.”, and freed the noble blade. He brandished the sword, and as its dark matted surface glittered in the dim office light, the chief minion was blinded by the sheer awesomeness of the knife, and exclaimed, “Jawohl mein Herr!”.
With the application of a sack and a lock, the sword was now legal to transport, and soon reached the hands of the Chosen One.
