This is an interview I conducted with my friend Cap about Falconry, after an actual expert on falconry declined to be interviewed. Cap is 22 years old and, among other things, looks kind of like a crow, Keira Knightly, and the alt pornstar Stoya combined.
The interview will consist of a question, an answer, and a response from myself.
Q: Cap, could you please inform my audience how you know me, what our relationship is with one another, as well as provide a list of your falconry credentials.
A: I met Andrew (aka Killa) when I was a troubled youth. He helped introduce me to a gang of violent anarchistic thieves, known as RuFfRridas (fkuc the governMANt) who dressed as pirates and terrorized Grays Harbor county.
During this time, I traveled within the savage boundaries of a town called Aberdeen. Aberdeen is known for it’s whiny, depressed, ignorant, racist, and drug-addicted teens. Andrew and I, and the rest of the gang would, I’m ashamed to say, killed things for pleasure. Dangerous times, indeed.
Did we have to do these things? Not really. But did we want to do these things? Yes, absolutely. Even though we participated in terrible and sadistic and sick behaviors, we soon became known around Aberdeen as THE COOLEST DAMN EVIL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD… THAT WE FEAR.
Currently, I’m facing 20 years to life in prison, while Andrew and the rest of the group are in hiding. Lucky bastards. I was always the scapegoat. Actually, that is the very name that they gave me after the hazing and initiation into RuFfRridas (fkuc the governMANt).
I have no falconry credentials.
R: Fun fact, I once gave Cap my grandmother’s old couch COMPLETELY FREE OF CHARGE. I even yelled at her in a hostile manner when she tried to help me move it.
Q: Could you please define falconry for me and my readership in your own words?
A: Falconry is when a bird is standing on your shoulder or hand, and it gets you off.
R: That’s actually a pretty solid answer based upon everything I’ve read on wikipedia.
Q: What can you tell us about your personal experience with falcons and/or hawks? Real or imagined.
A: My personal experience with falcons and hawks… let me think… I’m not too proud of it. Nope. I’m sorry, I really can’t talk about it. I’ve sworn never to speak of it again. I’m not sure why Killa asked me to do this interview. First, I have had very bad experiences with hawks, and he knows this. Second, I only get one email communication a year. It’s worth the cigs he’s paying me with though.
R: By the way, you know in old timey movies how there is a girl walking around with a tray saying “cigarettes, cigars, tiparillos?” What the fuck is a tiparillo? Like a tiny cigarette? I have never ever figured that out.
Q: It seems to me that there are much simpler methods of killing small animals than by training a bird of prey to beak it to death. Can you please tell me how this idea came to pass?
A: I don’t agree that there are simpler methods.
R: Well it’s definitely the coolest way. If I had to survive on wild game and I had my choice of bow, snare, or falcon I would go with falcon every time.
Q: One time I was walking to the bus stop from my aunt Debbie’s house at about five in the morning (she lives in the country) and a giant fucking winged creature swooped out of the sky at my head. I was distracted by ABBA playing on my iPod, so I was barely able to swing my brief case up over my head in time to defend myself. What is the likelihood that this was actually a falcon sent to attack me by a jealous rival? Also, why did it seem like it had a six foot wing span?
A: It’s obvious that this “giant fucking winged creature” was pissed off that you were listening to ABBA.
By the way, I didn’t want to ever have to tell you this, but you’re apparently suspicious… this “creature” seemed to have a six foot wing span because… it was me. I’m sorry Killa… I told you over and over again that listening to ABBA would ruin our reputation as THE COOLEST DAMN EVIL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD… THAT WE FEAR.
R: I knew there was a reason kids used to call you Crow!
Q: This has been on my mind quite often since the inauguration. The Secret Service is very prepared for the possibility that someone might try to assassinate the President with a sniper rifle. However, it seems very plausible that someone could simply train a falcon to swoop in and peck repeatedly at his carotid artery. Is this possible and what do you think could be done to defend against it?
A: No comment.
R: Secret service, take note! I know I’m mostly joking, but I could totally see this happening.
Q: What in your mind is the most inconvenient time to be attacked by a falcon?
A: OBVIOUSLY when you’re shopping in an adult video store.
R: How appropriate given the next question.
Q: Okay, but what if you were a pornstar getting totally jackhammered in the middle of a scene… and the next thing you know your face is just full of beak and feathers flapping all over the place! Wouldn’t that be way more disorienting?
A: No. There’s a booming market for falcons-attacking-pornstars videos. Where have you been?
R: I hope like all hell some pornstar reads this and makes a video of that. I would laugh my ass off.
Q: Do Thanagarians possess an instinctual finesse in the art of falconry? Is there one group that people stereotype as “really loving falconry?” And don’t you dare say Native Americans because they’re close to nature and have all kinds of powers. That is a total cop out, as well as racist, and you are better than that.
A: Native Americans.
R: Damn you.
Q: Do you think I am trustworthy enough to have my own falcon?
A: You already know that answer. You know what happened.
R: My anus still hurts!
Q: Is there anything you wished I had asked you but didn’t?
A: No comment.
R: Thank you, Cap.
And now you all know what I am really thinking about when I stare off into space, and what’s it’s like to try and have a regular conversation with me.
