I have lots of horrible ideas. Lots. More than you will ever know.
For some random examples, this Tuesday I sat around all day wearing a single welding glove fantasizing about bringing back recreational falconry. I spent a good afternoon laughing to myself thinking about the days of yore when gentlemen of leisure would get together with their friends, read aloud from the latest books, and then kill small helpless animals with their tamed falcons. I don’t know why I found this to be so funny, but I did. Maybe because I can never conceive of being so bored that I would think to myself “Hey guys? Let’s go spend months training a bird of prey to kill small animals for us that we could easily kill ourselves.”
Wednesday I spent a lot of time contemplating what would happen if I woke up one day as a wise talking sassy woman of color who had to fight crime in the 1970′s. Mostly I just figured out what kind of weapons I would hide in my afro. Then I realized that this was, excepting the parts concerning the gender and race switch, the exact same plot as “Life on Mars.” That did not, however, stop me from cackling like a mad hermit.
Thursday I decided that I would not exit the car before the garage door was all the way down behind me, as the garage was actually an air lock and I didn’t want to be vented out into space. Then I pushed the “Seek” button on the radio a bunch of times and pretended to have a conversation with hangar control about the air pressure. I was by myself.
So yes. I have lots of horrible ideas. Lots.
But sometimes, I stop and think to myself “Hey… what if I went and shared this with people?” Now, 99% of the time I can catch myself. I’ve learned that my imagination bumps people the wrong way so I’m fairly good about keeping it contained. However, there’s always that 1% of the time when I don’t catch myself. And that’s how I had the idea to live-blog Battlestar Galactica.
Now, I did this for strange reasons.* I enjoy Wonkette’s live-blogs, but I wanted to do something different in that I wanted to do something that would just totally suck. So I live-blogged BSG and people loved it. Now, no one actually told me in comments that they loved it (I imagine people were as ashamed of loving it as I was of writing it) but I have seldom got so much e-mail about something I have written. So, for that reason I will live-blog the last ten episodes of Battlestar Galactica, for the same reasons some doctors perform abortions. Because there’s a need and there’s no one else who can do it.**
Some of my goals for these last ten episodes:
1. Get sued by the sci-fi channel for copyright infringement.
2. Or get hired by the new sci-fi channel website to do live-blogs for them.
3. Have you assholes who read this actually leave a comment so I don’t feel like a crazy person at a bus station screaming at traffic.
BEGIN LIVE-BLOG
Pre-Show thought:
Someone on twitter just said they were more excited for my commentary than they were for the show itself. Somewhere in the Middle East approximately 2009 years ago, the baby Jesus is crying.
~8:00pm
Recliner is in full recline position, I have a pillow under my head and I am just waiting for someone to walk in the door so I can nerdily scream “OMFG! What are you DOING here? I am LIVE-blogging Battlestar Galactica!”
We’re doing some flashbacks right now, I’m still angry at Lee for leaving Dualla. Still hate Tori (as a character not as a person) and still think Tigh would look so much better with a black eye-patch as opposed to a flesh colored eye-patch that just makes it look like Tigh was born with some kind of cyclopean birth defect.
Adama is holding a handful of dirt and looking pissed off again. My one true God of the Cylons does that man have a good pissed off look.
~8:02pm
Tigh is staring out at the sea like an old timey sea captain mourning the loss of all the sailors he has known throughout the ages. Baltar as usual is looking like a conspiratorial shit, Anders wants to model some underwear, and Lee looks like he wants to cry. Roslin found a flower and is sniffing it. Probably wondering if it has any psychotropic effects, the little druggie. She’s had a lot of substances in her body this season.
~8:03pm
Starbuck is getting a weak signal on the surface of the planet. Leobon is following her around. Why is she letting him follow her? I would so kill his ass, especially considering that he’d stay dead this time. Turns out Earth was nuked two thousand years ago. Dualla just found an old pocket watch. And what look like jax?
~8:05pm
Now she’s crying. Jax would make me angry too. What a shitty cop out toy. What do they do except lay there with their center of mass slightly above the ground? Jack shit is what.
Roslin has to tell everyone Earth is a shit-hole now. She’s just shaking her head. I love the way they choose to act in this show. They do such a good job of hitting the right tone. I also still want Adama to fuck the shit out of Roslin, so if the BSG gods could please make that happen soon I would be very happy.
~8:06pm
First commercial already. Wow, that actually felt like it was only six minutes. Last time I did this I felt like every minute was a season in Tartarus. There’s a hot chick with a yellow dress who wants me to get Zyrtec.
Zyrtec would be an awesome name for a falcon. But I think I’d have to be Arab to pull that off. You can’t be a pasty ass Englishman and pull out a falcon named Zyrtec or people will laugh at you. You’d have to have a proper English name for a falcon, like Reginald or Meriam.
I wonder what the word count is of one of these live-blogs. I feel like I do a lot of typing and that they run pretty long, but that just may be a result of all the white-space. Why is it they always have pathetic looking people act in snoring commercials? Like, I would never believe a handsome guy could snore? Or would I think “He’s so handsome, snoring can’t be THAT awful!”
~8:10pm
Leobon is giving Starbuck the lusty eye. Starbuck just found a colonial piece of junk on the ground. Why isn’t she killing him? I would kill that mother-fucker so dead that there would be two words for dead in the Colonial language.
Ooh, looks like the wreckage of the ship they found has the same serial number as the ship Kara disappeared in. Do I see a little resurrection going on? Dualla is babysitting because Lee was too big an asshole to put a baby inside her vagina.
Oh Dualla… you’re so nice. You deserve to have a full womb.
~8:12pm
Tyrol walked off to do something mysterious. Now a bunch of 6′s are digging in the ground. Looks like they’re digging up old bits of cylon centurions. Looks like the same thing that happened on the colonies happened on Earth. It seems as though the whole planet of Earth was inhabited by Cylons.
The thirteenth tribe was Cylon. Now everyone is being very quiet and looking at their hands.
~8:14pm
Lee wants to talk to the Quorum. Leave Roslin alone Lee! She just got her mind fucked! Also, Tigh wants to talk to Adama but Adama is not having any of it. Tigh seems like a really forlorn ex-husband stalking his wife right now.
Now Tyrol is staring at a piece of wall with a man shaped burn in it. Is he remembering what happened all those years ago? Major flashback action going on. Tyrol is on Earth pre nuclear war looking at fruit. He has really gay glasses like I used to have and then a bomb went off.
~8:16pm
Starbuck and Leobon are still not fighting. I think Starbuck is going to go find her dead body now… but we’ve jumped scenes again.
Dualla has come to comfort Lee, as though Lee deserves it after he left an angel like Dee. Dualla is telling Lee that she’s afraid he’ll get fat and pathetic again because he has that same look in his eye he had when he had to leave New Caprica and stay fat on the Pegasus.
Come on Dualla, if he really wanted to keep the human race going he would have knocked you up. Lee is worried that there’s no way to spin the fact that Earth is a shit-hole into a positive.
~8:18pm
God damn it Dualla! Why are you such a good woman? And Lee won’t even kiss you? Oh girl, fuck him! He’s asking her out? Say no, Dee! Say no!
Damn it. She said yes.
Back on Earth, Starbuck is still not killing Leobon like she should be. Although she did just give him an angry look that makes me hopeful. She’s running through some grass now that reminds me of the Elysium fields in Gladiator. She wants to turn some wreckage over and is forcing Leobon to help her. I think we’re going to find a Kara Thrace skeleton now. Am I right?
Come on. Am I right? Let’s go. Let’s do this thing…. lift the head.
And guess who called it. Me.
Now, we just need to find out that Tigh’s wife was an aged version of a model six and it’ll be all peaches and cream.
~8:21pm
Kara just tore a necklace off the dead body and Leobon is suddenly afraid of her. It has her name on it. Are we going Cylon here or was she just resurrected, and is there a difference? Kara is freaking out now that she’s the harbinger of death. Leobon looks like he wants to run. He’s going to run.
Yup, now he’s walking away. Scared shitless. Leobon is such a wuss.
~8:22pm
Second commercial. Okay, here’s what I think is happening. The “Everything has happened before and everything will happen again” thing isn’t just bullshit. I think the humans the cylons switch roles every few thousand years. Like the skinjobs go and make a civilization and create a race of machines that create humans, and then the show of BSG we know happens, then Kobol happens, then the humans make a civilization create machines that make skinjobs and it keeps happening over and over again.
I still want to know the third faction. There’s the machines, the humans, and whoever is causing the delusions. Head Six and Head Baltar and the vision in the Temple of Athena.
Also, I think the human/cylon hybrids become the Lords of Kobol somewhere in the mythology of the show.
~8:25pm
Anders is walking around with a purple flower, picking up pieces of junk he sees on the ground. Is he about to have a flashback? Let’s hope so. Looks like he picked up a piece of a guitar or lute, and is singing “All Along the Watchtower” because Ronald D. Moore loves cocaine. Now Anders is running off.
Anders has found Tyrol sitting down by the wall, remembering his past. Tyrol used to live in the shit-hole they’re standing in. Tori has shown up, saying that Anders played for all of them. I hate you Tori, you are such a traitorous bitch. Now they’re all wondering why they’re all still alive and how they came to be in the colonies. I’m thinking the unknown third party moved them there.
~8:27pm
Roslin is burning her book of Pythian prophecies. Roslin is going sober. Everyone is depressed as shit, and Adama wants Roslin to get high so she can just forget it all. Roslin says she wants to get off drugs and make a new life for herself. Adama is telling her not to lie down and quit. Roslin says Adama should have kept fighting the cylons and that she was wrong about everything. Since when will a woman admit she’s wrong like this? Oh zing. See? See what I just did? Why are you reading this?
~8:29pm
Roslin is feeling ugly and doesn’t want anyone to touch her. Just go, Bill! Just go! But she doesn’t really want you to go. She wants you to stay and fight for her. Or probably not in this case. If this happened to me I’d already have hung myself.
~8:30pm
It looks like Starbuck is building a pyre on which to burn her body. The dead body. Would it be in poor taste to make schmores on your own funeral pyre? What about hot dogs? And would that or would that not be a total mind frak?
~8:31pm
Dee and Lee are talking about Lee’s meeting with the Quorum. Looks like they’re both drunk. Wouldn’t everyone be looking at Lee being pissed off given that the human race found out there’s no hope? Oh Dee… please don’t get your hopes up. Lee is not going to do right by you. He cheated on you with Starbuck! Starbuck!
Don’t kiss him! Stop! You are too good for him. He’s a man slut, and you are a nice religious girl who deserves better. He’ll have other trim before the season is out. You just watch.
~8:33pm
Gaeta is being pissed off about his nub while Dee signs. Gaeta looks really pale. Now Dee is trying to cheer up Gaeta. You want to know why? Because Dualla is a good person and no one is good enough for her. No one. Now she’s oeppned up a locket… is she about to have a flashback? There’s some reason why they’re focusing on this. Is it just because she hung her wedding ring up?
Oh fuck! NO!
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
Oh BSG! OH BSG! WHY DID YOU DO THIS? My soul is crying.
Dualla just blew her brains out. Do you see what you do Lee? Do you see? I KNEW you would do this to her. Her soul was just too beautiful….
DAMN IT
~8:36pm
A commercial for KFC right after Dualla shot herself? Are you fucking kidding me? KFC salutes BSG fans? Really? A black girl just shot herself and you’re running a commercial for fried fucking chicken? That is some insensitive racist bullshit. BullSHIT!
Okay, I need to get my pulse under control. My two favorite women in this show are now dead. Callie, who looked like a really nice farmer’s wife, and Dee who looked like a super beautiful choir girl who goes to church three times a week. Now we just have rough-edged sluts (no offense).
Let’s see if I can get back to show speculation… okay… umm… you know how Leobon once said that in the cycle of history everyone switches roles (this is when Roslin is waterboarding him and he’s telling her that in another time he would interrogate her) I think that supports the idea of Cylons and Humans switching predator prey roles.
I STILL can’t believe they killed Dualla. It’s like someone shot a mockingbird that was flying under a rainbow on the first true day of spring.
~8:40pm
Lee is acting like he has a right to be sad now. Adama just showed up in the morgue. You know who killed her, Lee? You did. You did the first time you decided that you wanted to put your dick into Starbuck instead of honor your marriage vows. Adama is angry now because his woman is dying. He offers Lee some alcohol because seriously, let’s all get fucking drunk this is horrible. Gaeta is looking muy depressed again, and Adama needs a good man sob.
He looked under the blanket and winced. Oh my God, Edward James Olmos knows how to cry. I can’t cry now because I know forever that I will never be able to ccry as well as Edward James Olmos when he is only pretending. Now he’s yelling at everyone. Is he going to go kill Tigh? Let’s see.
~8:42pm
There’s anarchy on the ship, and Adama doesn’t car because sometimes you just have to get fucking drunk. Tigh is getting drunk too. Want to know why? Because fuck this music. Earth is a shit-hole, Dualla is dead, and there’s no fucking God.
Adama commanded Tigh to sit down. Tigh sat down. Tigh is apologizing for being a Cylon. Adama told him to frak off. Adama said he has no guts because he’s a machine and that he was programmed to be his friend. Adama has the best crazy laugh I have ever heard. He has put the fear of God into me.
~8:44pm
Adama is insulting Helen now. Tigh is losing his emotional shit. Adama is telling Tigh that she came onto him once, he’s begging Tigh to shoot him. Oh God this is awesome. Adama and Tigh are both threatening to shoot Adama. Wow.
~8:46pm
Another commercial. More KFC commercials, because when I think BSG I think KFC. See? Three letters. Is there any show that’s better than this show? It makes you cry, it makes you afraid, it makes you ache with wanting. I can’t believe the way this show is written and acted it’s so good. You know what I feel like when I desecrate it with a live-blog? I feel like I’m molesting a righteous man. Now, I don’t know why I feel like it’s a man and not a woman.
Probably because men are better than women.
See? I did it again. AGAIN. Why the FUCK are you reading this?
Stupid snoring commercials. Let’s get back to Adama threatening to shoot himself if Tigh doesn’t shoot him first. I love how fucking crazy that is. That’s like something my mom or dad would do.
Ronald D. Moore is a genius.
~8:49pm
We’re back to the best stand-off in the history of Cylon and humankind. Tigh told Adama that he didn’t have the guts to shoot himself. And now Edward James Olmos is going to cry beautiful man tears again. Tigh says they’ve both had enough to drink. Are they back to being friends again?
Adama is talking about summers with his uncle. There were foxes that would attack his uncle’s hen house. Adama was forced to chase the foxes with hounds. The hounds would go crazy chasing the scent. They would run the foxes down toward the river. Half would turn to fight. Half would try to swim across. Then they’d get swept out to sea because Foxes love to kill themselves. I guess?
I think Adama means he needs a break.
~8:52pm
Tigh is remind Bill of his duty. They’re friends again, which makes me somewhat happy. Roslin has knocked a number off her dry-erase board… nevermind Lee is the one with the dry-erase board now. Lee, you should never have gotten into a relationship or gotten out of a fighter. You suck as a human being. I mean, you’re a great character but if I knew you in the world of BSG I would think you were a scoundrel.
Lee told Starbuck that Dee shot herself, and now Starbuck doesn’t think that telling Lee about her finding her dead body is such a good idea. Or at least that’s how I’m reading this so far.
~8:54pm
Someone wrote “Frak Earth” on the side of Galactica in white spray paint. The CIC looks like hell. Hoshi now has the post of Dualla. Adama wants to know if the cylons will help them search for a new M class planet. Adama is telling everyone not to give up hope. Lee is playing with Jax. Maybe the Jax put Dualla over the edge. What about Kobol? Isn’t Kobol a perfectly acceptable planet still? I mean, if the Cylons aren’t a threat anymore… why can’t we go back to Kobol?
~8:57
Everyone is packing up and preparing to leave Earth. Xena is depressed and doesn’t want to leave Earth. She says she’s getting off this merrygoround. Oh that’s right, Cavil is still out hunting them. I guess Kobol is really a no go. Tigh is giving his old sea captain look, but only to hide his inner grit and determination. He’s walking out into the ocean… please oh god please make this an awesome flash back sequence. Come on. We can do it. What does he see? He’s moving his hands over the water. Hearing voices. Hands in water. He pulls out a piece of broken crockery. It looks like we’re in a bank. Apocalypse is happening. He’s picking up HELEN! He’s trying to save HELEN!
Was Helen the fifth Cylon? YES!
Where is she? Other than dead that is.
~9:01pm
Waiting for the previews of next week. Is Helen with the third party group that’s moving all the pieces? And did she secretly know all of what was going on all along? Also, I’m glad that they have some kind of eternal love that burns forever. This show is perfection.
PREVIEW
Helen is the fifth Cylon. Zarek is staring a revolution. Rebellion on the Tyllium ship. Zarek is still an asshole that we have to pretend is in the game for someone other than himself.
Again, this show is perfection.
See you next week, folks.
CLIFF NOTES
*I do a lot of things for strange reasons. For example, I part my hair to the side not because I especially like the way it looks, but because I feel if I were ever transported back in time to the dark ages this hair style would help disguise me more so than other currently acceptable hair styles.
Also, the reason I once told everyone in one of these live-blogs that I have a droopy left testicle is because I want to be claimed from an amnesiac ward at a hospital based on that information by a complete stranger. You know, like the birth mark in “Overboard” where Goldie Hawn gets picked up by Kurt Russell?
“Oh really, Doctor? He’s not my husband? Then how do I know his left testicle droops half an inch?”
See? It’s nuts. Literally.
** There is of course, actually no need, anyone else could do this, and I just made an abortion joke why the fuck are you still reading this?
