PIZZA, CHARITY, PRIME MOVERS
Way back in college I used to eat Red Baron Supreme Oven-Bake Pizzas for pretty much every meal. Why? Because I could get 4 for $5 and I was very very lazy and didn’t like to make elaborate dinners. Mostly because if I did make an elaborate dinner I’d end up staring at it, thinking about how much work it was for just me, whether or not I was worth the effort, then start thinking about how alone I felt… and then get very existential all of the sudden.
So, ultimately because life is meaningless bullshit but also because I’d get hungry every so often, I’d go to the grocery store to buy pizza. Then, when I got back to my studio apartment, with my cardboard cut-out of Superman staring down at me in disapproval, I would eat a truly disgusting amount of Oven-Bake Pizza then fall asleep on my futon, because I wasn’t good enough to sleep on the bed I had in the next “room” five feet away.
I wrote quite a lot in this period of time (it was my start at DaddyDontHitMe, for those of you who go that far back) but it was not what I would call a happy existence.
One day, quite like any other, when I was standing in the check out line of the grocery store with my eight pizzas in hand, I happened to see this little old lady standing at the register across from mine. Gray-blue hair. Once-puffy coat now lumpy and intermittently ragged. No clear idea where she was. And her debit card had been declined.
So you know what I did?
Firstly, I stood there for a while waiting for someone else to do something. Then I looked around to see if someone was going to do the right thing. Then I looked up at the ceiling when some other people who were also waiting for someone else to do the right thing made eye-contact with me. The awkwardness created this sort of repulsive magnetic field that scattered all compassion away from the helpless old lady.
Then I coughed and looked at this Botswanian shelf-stocker guy who I also saw around campus, who I know didn’t have much money either (Well, I didn’t KNOW this, but I racistly assumed this because he was black and had an accent and stocked groceries for a living that he was as broke as me) and I could tell HE was getting ready to pay for the old lady’s groceries. Then I internally winced and thought:
“Jesus, that guy has probably worked his way over here from a whole other country where things are shitty and now he’s going to do the right thing even if it means he has to eat Tap Ramen and Oven Bake pizza for the rest of the month. I mean, I eat Tap Ramen and Oven Bake Pizza, but only because of self-indulgent self-loathing, not actual poverty. I’ve only worked my way here from a Harbor Town. I should probably be the one to jump on this grenade.”
So I muttered, “God damn it.” Then I ran over to that register and slid my debit card through the scanner thing and paid for that old lady’s groceries. I put my Oven Bake pizzas on the floor and then I walked away real quick because it would have been very awkward to have people mutter positive shit about me or, even worse, TO me.
I also ran away because I realized that the groceries the old lady was buying were kind of non-essential and unnecessary and had probably only been picked up in a fit of mania because she got bored of being in her house or something. And when you do something like blow $60 you barely have on some old lady’s groceries, you really desperately want to believe those groceries are absolutely necessary for her survival and not that she might actually need long-term living assistance because she’s a bit out of her mind and buying a half dozen toilet scrubbers and kitty litter for no reason.
Then I went home and thought about the integrity of my motives for helping anyone, ever. And masturbated with my cardboard cut-out of Superman facing the wall so I wouldn’t feel ashamed. And went to bed hungry but probably healthier.
BUT!
Do you know there are people who are NOT me? Who are good and decent people who never get stuck in masturbatory self-referential cycles of doubt and identity? Who help people not after thinking “Okay, I know what I would do. But what if I were an actual person, what would I do then?” but out of actual heartfelt connection to the rest of mankind?
Here are some wonderful awesome things to take part in on this Holiday Season.
WORLDBUILDERS
Embarrassingly Superior Human Being, Patrick Rothfuss, is being uncomfortably nice AGAIN.
How is he being nice? By giving chickens, goats, pigs, and other bullshit to poor people to help them build sustainable agriculture.
One day they’re going to make a movie about Patrick Rothfuss being uncomfortably nice on the Hallmark Channel. Then I’ll watch it and get tears in my eyes and look away like I do every time I watch one of those stupid movies.
I bought the literary pin-up calendar. If I can do that, so can you.
MY STALKING VICTIM, JOE ABERCROMBIE
Has three books left for sale on his website from a massive auction I should probably have posted about earlier. To help homeless people. I would buy all of them and then sleep on them like a dragon with its hoard of gold but I already had to buy the children gifts for Christmas and it’s going to leave me a bit strapped for the next few months. I’m kind of posting about this a little late for it to mean much, I guess but every little bit helps.
Anyway, as I’m sure you all know these are awesome books and I highly recommend you buy them anyway whether for charity or just dirty, dirty profit.
LOUIS CK CARES ABOUT PEOPLE AS WELL
Another person I follow pretty heavily, who is also helping people, is Louis CK. He has released his comedy special on his website LouisCK.net for a mere $5.
If you read here, you’ll see he made over one million dollars through doing this and then gave a bunch of it to charity.
Not to say that he’ll necessarily give even more money to charity if you buy his special, but you should kind of do it anyway because it is really really good. Especially the bit about how it feels to hate little kids that are the enemy of your little kids when you’re an adult.
I’m so confident in this special that I thought about offering to give you your money back if you bought it and didn’t like it.
On Slightly Different Notes…
PATRICE O’NEAL
I listened to Patrice O’Neal pretty religiously on the Opie and Athony radio show, and he had one of the most unique perspectives of any comic I’ve ever heard. I laughed my ass off every time he was on, often to the point of tears. After a while of listening to someone you feel like you get to know them and I was very saddened to hear of his passing a few weeks back.
What is worse is that I think he was finally starting to live up to his full potential. For a long time I felt he was funnier being himself in interviews than on stage. But there was always this sense of an impending explosion building around Patrice, like watching sparks traveling along a fuse. His last show Elephant In The Room
It’s available on Netflix Streaming, but I’d ask that you consider purchasing it to help support his family.
My Friend The Platypus
Long-Time Reader and Commenter ImpassionedPlatypus is starting up a business in the DC area, where she basically gets your house in order. Literally. By organizing shit.
You can hire her at this website. And you should do it because she’s a nice person.
Lastly, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
