In the interests of people finding my internal thoughts amusing, here is what I thought up while I went on my afternoon walk yesterday. VO means Voice Over, although this really isn’t in script format, since trying to fit something into that format in wordpress is ridiculously difficult. Also, I look way more like Shrek when my head is shaved.
MASTERBATERRATHON
FADE IN
We pan in on a bleak white trailer house in the middle of the Oregon wilderness. The trees are green, birds are chirping, the yard is wild and maintained poorly. There is a satellite on top of the trailer house and we can hear keys clacking.
NARRATOR
“They called him a loser.”
Close up of man in trailer, BC WOODS, who has a vague resemblance to the animated character Shrek. On the edges of the screen there are a disturbing number of grape soda cans, as well as a steaming “Cup O’ Noodles.” BC WOODS’ brows are furrowed, and he has two pencils in his mouth making him look like a walrus. The light of a computer screen can be seen reflected in his glasses.
NARRATOR
“They said he would die alone.”
Close up of BC WOODS now sharpening one of his pencils in a pencil sharpener that looks like a mouth. He puts the pencil shavings in an ash tray at his desk just as the door knocks. He knocks over the ash tray in surprise. Pencil shavings fly everywhere.
NARRATOR
“They never knew how much they would need him.”
Door of the trailer opens with a groan to reveal BC WOODS. Two people in military outfits are standing outside the trailer. One of them is holding a briefcase which is handcuffed to their wrist.
Fade to the blackness of space. Something large moves ominously across the screen, but we’re in too close to see what it is, except that is metallic. The conversation inside the trailer continues as we watch this object move across the screen.
OFFICER #1 (VO)
“We’ve spent the last two months consulting every expert on the planet. Your name kept coming up.”
BC WOODS (VO)
(confused) “I… don’t understand what this is about. I just have a blog on the internet, I’m not really….”
Pan back to the interior of the trailer as OFFICER #2, a beautiful woman, opens up the briefcase on a coffee table. Inside are various pornographic magazines as well as reams of white paper with internet search records.
OFFICER #2
“Sir, you masturbate more than anyone else on the planet.”
BC WOODS
(blushing) “Uh… I… uh… this is umm… what’s going on exactly?”
Cue music, O-Fortuna. Fade back into space. The object is hurtling past Jupiter and we’re panning back to see more of it. It’s an alien space craft.
OFFICER #1 (VO)
“Houston picked up the signal two months ago. It’s alien. An unmanned probe to be exact.”
BC WOODS (VO)
“Where do I fit into this?”
OFFICER #2 (VO)
“It wants semen. It will only let in one unburdened person, and you’re the only man on this planet who can give it what it needs.”
BC WOODS
“Ewww! That doesn’t really… why the hell would they want that!”
Close up on OFFICER #2, her face is grim and her words are full of unspoken dramatic promises.
OFFICER #2
“They didn’t say. They only said what would happen to us if they didn’t get it.”
BEGIN MONTAGE
Cut to BC WOODS runs down a corridor on a human space shuttle as various electrical panels explode. He keeps tripping over things in the tight confines of the shuttle despite the absence of gravity.
Cut to mouth of alien spaceship opening as the music reaches its climax.
Cut to BC WOODS staring into OFFICER #2′s beautiful eyes.
BC WOODS
“I can’t do this! It’s too much pressure!”
OFFICER #2
“You did it thirteen times in one day! Believe in yourself!”
BC WOODS
“I was fourteen years old, damn it! I didn’t have anything else to do!”
Cut to the space shuttle exploding.
OFFICER #2 (VO)
(whispers) “If you run out of things to think about. Think about this.”
Cut to BC WOODS kissing OFFICER #2 silhouetted in the flames of the burning shuttle.
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL TITLE and DATE OF RELEASE
NARRATOR
“This summer, one man’s crippling social phobias will be our only hope.”
