Here is a sequel to Masterbaterrathon.
Black screen.
NARRATOR: Two years ago he saved the world.
Scene of an alien spaceship exploding. BC Woods and Officer #2 narrowly escape inside a human space shuttle, which is buffeted by the force of the explosion. Officer #2 has been badly injured. She’s dying in the arms of BC Woods. Their two faces stare into one another, as she smiles… just in time for a small rivulet of blood to make its way from the corner of her mouth down her pale white cheek.
Close up of BC Woods’ face just before he screams.
NARRATOR: And now a troubled nation needs him again.
Cut to bank swarming with federal investigators. A vault door is open and all the money is missing.
INVESTIGATOR #1: He’s done it again, hasn’t he?
INVESTIGATOR #2: Yup… and you know there’s only one person who can catch him.
INVESTIGATOR #1 (snorts): Good luck getting him to come out of retirement.
Cut to house trailer in the Oregon wilderness. The sound of typing can no longer be heard. A man sits in front of an oven in a lawn chair watching his stove. He has a DUNE poster above his oven. He wears a pair of sunglasses, holds a can of grape soda, and looks very haggard. Someone knocks at the open door just as the oven starts to beep.
BC WOODS: Come in!
BC Woods gets up and pulls his pizza out of the oven, and begins to slice. Investigators #1 and #2 appear behind him. There’s a four foot high stack of pizza boxes next to the garbage can. As well as a bunch of Tillamook cheese wrappers.
INVESTIGATOR #1: I heard this is what you were doing. Does the cholesterol really kill the urge?
BC WOODS: No… but it helps.
NARRATOR: To catch a masturbator… he will have to become… a masturbator.
Cut to bank, Investigators #1 and #2 are walking around explaining the crime. BC Woods stands at the entrance, frowning. He stills wears his sunglasses and bathrobe.
INVESTIGATOR #1: We figure he came in from the southern entrance. No one said anything because he was wearing a trench coat. Well… you can figure out what happened from there.
INVESTIGATOR #2: Everyone was so creeped out when he started that they all just stood back and let him take the money.
BC WOODS: Let me guess… you still can’t find a DNA sample.
INVESTIGATOR #1 and #2 look at each other and mouth “How did he know?” BC Woods walks over by the vault, and runs his fingers through some white goo. He smells it, and then licks it. A banker almost throws up.
BC WOODS: Hah! He left mayonnaise mixed with salt water. A clever trick.
Cut to briefing room, BC Woods is still eating a lot of oven baked pizza but he’s now circling a diagram of the bank vault.
BC WOODS: Gentleman, you’re wasting your time looking for DNA. You won’t find any. The man we’re looking for is a pro. We’re talking six, maybe seven times a day. If he can fire at all, he’s firing blanks. Clever really… untraceable. At least through traditional methods.
ROOKIE: So how do we find him?
BC WOODS: The same way you would track an animal. Find his food source. Find out what he needs and wait there. We need to find where he gets his porn, ladies and gentleman.
ROOKIE: They say you can do it without any. Who’s to say he’s not the same?
BC WOODS pulls off his sunglasses in dramatic fashion.
BC WOODS: Because I’m the best there is.
NARRATOR: He must relearn his skills.
Cut to BC Woods running on a tread mill with one of those air testing tube things in his mouth that is so sciencey you just know there’s some really effective training going on.
NARRATOR: He must train as he has never trained before.
Cut to BC Woods face in a sensory deprivation tank. Cut to outside of deprivation tank as the crowd looks onward.
ROOKIE: He’s insane! No one is that good!
INVESTIGATOR #2: Shut your face! This isn’t just about catching the criminal anymore. He’s got something to prove to himself!
NARRATOR: He must prove once and for all… that he IS the best.
Cut to rainy rooftop as BC Woods and criminal face each other in trench coats and nothing else. The criminal is holding Investigator #2 (who is a woman) by the neck.
CRIMINAL: You ain’t so hot. I can best you any day.
BC WOODS: We’ll see about that Hot Shot.
Investigator #2 screams.
BC WOODS throws his trench coat off.
BC WOODS: Close your eyes.
Fade to black as the sound of “fap” “fap” “fap” fills the silence.
NARRATOR: Coming this summer… one man’s ability to be really really gross will be our economy’s only hope.
