Often times, it’s not the stories you recall that let you know you’ve led a fucked up life. It’s the stories that don’t even make a blip on your radar that illustrate how far off norm you’re calibrated. For example, I was talking with my step-father Mike the other day about the things he’s learning in his court ordered anger management classes. He provided me with the following example of a time he acted poorly, which I had previously forgotten entirely.
Mike: Remember when I was talking to your mom about something and I just got so angry, I started screaming at her?
Me: Really? That stands out? That happened all the time. (mutters: it still does)
Mike: No man, no. That’s just the beginning of the story. ‘Cause Rachel was there and was all pissed off she was being ignored.
Me: I can already tell this is not going to go anywhere good.
Mike: Dude, will you just shut up and listen to the story?
Me: (mutters: anger management classes are really paying off)
Mike: So then she kicks your mom in the stomach, and I just got so fucking mad, dude.
Me: Back up. Rachel kicked mom in the stomach? When was this?
Mike: Dude, stop interrupting! It was back at the house by McDermoth after we first moved in.
Me: Hold on. Mom would have been seven months pregnant with Karen. She kicked mom in the stomach when she was seven months pregnant?
Mike: Yeah yeah yeah. Can I go on?
Me: (sighs, putting face in hands) God damn it. This fucking sucks.
Mike: Let me finish!
Me: Fine.
Mike: So I tried to grab hold of Rachel to choke her, because I wanted to kill her real bad man. Like real bad.
Me: (mutters through hands: join the club)
Mike: So she ran down the porch stairs, and this was back when we had those giant water machine bottles so I grabbed one them and threw it down after her. ‘Cause I wanted to break her neck with it, ya know? Remember man it totally frikkin blew up all over the mail box and on the sidewalk? Fucking dude man. I was so pissed.
Me: I don’t remember this at all.
Mike: You were sitting in the rocking chair while it happened!
Me: Are you sure?
Mike: Yes! You were reading one of those fucking books I used to hide from you.
Me: Wait… did it have a picture of three moons on the cover making the image of an eye? Night of the Eye?
Mike: Fuck, I don’t know!
Me: Hold on, okay yeah. Because that guy who went on to become potentate or whatever got some kind of serpent attached to his hand or whatever because he stuck it in a mystical portal, and that only happens when the three moons of magic are in perfect alignment. That was the first time that I realized that could ever happen on Krynn. (clears throat)
Yeah, I kind of remember this now. So what did anger management teach you about it?
Mike: Shit’s fucked up, dude.
Me: No shit.
