Today, while I ought to have been doing something more productive (as opposed to staring at a blinking cursor on a word processor and mumbling curse words under my breath) I came across this blog on Whatever.
I scanned the comments for a while, found the inevitable supporter of the ban on gay marriage, and sighed. The commenter claimed that they objected to gay marriage on “moral grounds.” After a moment, I started to laugh out loud, not just because I am insane, but also because I realized exactly what set of circumstances would have to occur for me to believe that being gay is immoral.
HUMANS FROM FUTURE WARN OF THE DANGERS OF GAY MARRIAGE!
NEW YORK- In a shocking and totally unexpected display last Friday, a spaceship landed on the lawn of the United Nations. The wonders did not end there, as soon a motley crew of large-headed humanoids clad in silver unitards exited the craft and demanded an immediate audience with the United Nations. There has been a media blackout ever since the event, and only now are official reports making their way across the news desk.
Some time after cameras were removed, one of the space-faring travelers presented themselves as Zaxnar, the leader of the craft. After being sequestered for the weekend, he gave this address to the assembly this Monday:
“I am Zaxnar, and despite the largeness of my head and the silvery sheen of my unitard, I am not alien to this planet. Indeed, I was born and raised on this very piece of land. The size of my head has come from gradual genetic drift due to the widespread use of c-sections over many generations. I am a human being from many thousands of years in the future, and I have come to warn you against a grave threat.
“We have attempted indirect means of transferring this message across space and time, by altering religious and historical texts, yet now that such efforts have proved fruitless I have arrived here in person to say what must be said: ‘Homosexual Marriage must not under any circumstances be allowed.’
“Using scientific formulas far beyond your understanding we have discovered that homosexual intercourse produces a subatomic particle known as a ‘gaydon.’ Allowed to accumulate over the course of geological time these ‘gaydons’ reach a saturation point and begin to disrupt the very fabric of space-time. In our future a large vortex has appeared over the city you know as San Francisco and threatens to expand to the point it will soon devour the entire universe.
“I realize this news is very shocking to the humans of this present era. However, I must inform you, gay marriage will soon lead not only to the end of civilization as we know it, but also the end of the universe.
“I am particularly sad to give this message, as it means that my life-partner and I, born of artificial parthenogenesis, will cease to exist as these legislative actions are put into effect. The future from which I come, will be erased.
“Ranxaz, I love you and it pains me to know that the only memory of our love will be in a newsprint you will be unable to read in a future which will no longer exist. Our forbidden love will now, like these words, fade away into memory.”
The assembly was thunderstruck at the conclusion of the speech as Zaxnar winked out of existence, leaving only the memories of his words. The council wasted little time in effecting a global ban on gay marriage in the interests of securing the future of mankind. Other anti-gay laws are soon to follow.
