SARSAPARILLA FIX THIS ARCHIVE LINK
As an atheist, a nihilist, and the world’s greatest practitioner of the masturbatory arts… I wanted to wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day! While it may be cool to shit all over everything simply because a great number of people* enjoy it, I can’t afford not to have my little self-delusions even if they’re self-aware self-delusions. After all, if you were REALLY that convinced life had no meaning, how could you afford NOT to lie to yourself?
And before we get lost trying to track our reflection in the opposing mirrors of the meta, let us move on….
While I, as everyone seems so keen on reminding me lately, am unattached I
whole-four-chambered-muscle-pumply congratulate all the rest of you who have someone in your lives. Sure, it may not be as good as my masturbating, but I bet when you’re with that special someone, looking deeply into their eyes it’s almost as good as when I crank one out at 2am to try and put myself to sleep. And to those of you who have no one… well… have you considered reading science-fiction or fantasy novels?
Just kidding. You see, people, there is a reason to hope. There is a reason to get up every morning. And what, may you ask, is that reason? If you wanted to be wrong, you could say it’s the love of an infinite god, a partner who understands you, the laughter of children, or kinky animal sex. If you wanted to be correct, however, you would have to admit that it’s a garbage can that looks like R2D2.
That’s right folks. While I may not be rich, I am no longer broke. About a month and a half ago someone at my job made the mistake of showing me the equation that is used to calculate our incentive pay. And using a bit of the ol’ creative spirit, I have managed to become in essence, the most productive person at my job, ever.****
I now make, more or less, about as much as my manager. This is no doubt bound to piss someone off very soon so we’ll enjoy it while it lasts.
I also bought a whole lot of discounted meat today at the grocery store and filled the freezer with it… which is still nowhere near as satisfying as the R2D2 garbage can I ordered. In fact, I don’t know why, but it seems kind of gross to share that information. Oh discounted BBQ Pork Ribs, maybe one day when I’m hungry I will take you out of the freezer and share you with the world… but today is not that day.
Let’s see, other announcements… I scheduled some time off work at the end of March specifically to write. My brains been kind of fried lately with the effort I’m putting in. But it will all be worth it when my “nerd habitat” looks exactly the way I want. As for what I’m going to write, I don’t know. But it will be fine to finally let the pressure off that part of my brain.
Other stuff I should let you know: 1. I got a high backed black leather chair that makes me feel very evil 2. I have a mic stand coming on its way 3. I have a pocket microscope coming on its way 3. I have a flint and steel coming on its way in case I ever accidentally get transported back in time and need to make a fire 4. I have an LED flashlight coming on its way in case I ever need to make light without a lot of heat output 5. I’m using a Wii Fit pretty religiously to lose weight 6. I’m getting a nice printer to do all sorts of printery stuff.
Also, if any of you lovely ladies out there would like your change with yours truly, I will of course refer you to my Girlfriend Application. *****
*A great number of people often referred to as “them.” i.e. You don’t want to be like all of THEM do you?!?**
**It is also desirable that “THEM” should be fools who only behave the way they do because they have been tricked by a malicious entity which you oppose. This allows you to set yourself up as a meta-being while simultaneously degrading all other humans to the station of animals.***
***When one thinks on this too long however, one realizes that the world is very complex, the motives that move us are by no means fixed or in isolation, and that even the “meta-beings” are in service to the evil-entities. This leads one inevitably to feeling like a hypocrite and trying to convince girls to have sex with you based upon your feelings of despair. Because really, at the end of the day, tits are awesome.
****Until they change the equation around, in which case it will take me a while to figure out how to become the most awesomely productive person again.
*****Actually filling this out for any other reason than as a joke will probably disturb me.
