I’m putting this up for feedback right now… because I can’t actually seem to get the button working and I may as well ask what you think before it goes official.
UPDATE: The donate button should now work.
YOU, THE READER
So… you have read my work, and wonder of wonders wish to favor me with currency. This no doubt means you are a gentleman of means, frequently given to lounging around your palatial estate with a silk smoking jacket and an ivory-stemmed pipe. Over the adventure-filled years of your life, you have honed your mind to a razor’s edge, and enjoy the fiscal products of your incredible intellect. It is also highly likely that you are the courageous sort of person often called upon to defend innocent ladies from roving brigands using only your gentlemanly wit and your cane sword as weapons.
Firstly, I thank you for even considering a contribution. Secondly, in the interests of honesty and open disclosure, I would like to let you know how any funds you send will ultimately be used.
RULES
1. This money will be used SOLELY to further my writing career. It will never be petered out on the essentials of life, but only on those things which would allow me to provide better content to you, the reader.
This might include:
A. Microphones, for the recording of superior audio.
B. Cameras, for the taking of fanciful pictures and video.
C. Software necessary to implement the above two items into the site.
D. Bandwidth.
E. As initial capital to provide you with other products or services in the future.
F. Competitions, in which I buy prizes to be competed over by you, the reader.
2. I will disclose any and all purchases made using this money, even if it is only a minor break down on my part in which I use it to purchase a soda. In case of this event I will use my personal work funds to replenish the amount spent.
3. I will leave the comments open on this page in perpetuity to allow you to make fun of/criticize my expenses.
EXCEPTIONS
In the event that any of the following happen, I will integrate these funds into the regular funds I use in my daily life. Should any of these occur, I will diligently report them on this page and update the rules.
A. I professionally sell a novel/screenplay/written work and hence have become a professional writer. This does not include short stories.
On my current life plan, this is at least five years in the future. I’m working on becoming good enough to write the kinds of books I want to write and don’t want to try to publish before my personal standards of satisfaction are met.
B. I get married/have a child
I’m going to be honest: there is about zero chance of this happening. I’m including it only to cover the bases, because if I ever do get married or have a child I’m going to feel really really horrible about keeping a separate account for expenses.
So, hypothetical wife/children, here’s looking at you!
C. Medical Emergency/Disaster
Let’s say I’m walking down the street one day and I get hit by a car. Or a pterodactyl comes out of the sky, molests me with its beak, and I have to go to therapy to recover. Well, I have medical insurance so hopefully that will take care of me. Except for the pterodactyl insurance, or course. It is very difficult to get insured against pterodactyls.
If, in the event of a disaster, my insurance does not protect me and I have an “oh fuck!” kind of disaster I’m going to use these funds toward that as well.
WHAT YOU, THE READER, WILL RECEIVE
After you have so graciously sent money my way, I will honor you on my “Contributors” Page with your name (or nickname, if so desired) and a brief one-paragraph explanation of your awesomeness.
I will lengthen the description based on the following criteria.
Donations $1-$20 will get a one paragraph description of their awesomitude.
Ex: John Smith is so amazing that if he were a retarded piece of shit, being called a “retarded piece of shit” would instantly change meanings in the lexicon and mean a “person too great to describe using words.”
Donations from $20.01-$50 will get a three paragraph description of their brillianceness including a brief, fake biography.
Ex: Jane Doe was born over four-hundred years ago in the highlands of Scotland, where during a battle she discovered that she could not die. She has roamed the world throughout the ages, shifting the course of history and beheading others life herself who have used their immortality to wicked ends.
Jane Doe has also dedicated her life to helping people molested by pterodactyls. She is one of the leading voices in the fight against sexually-aggressive pterodactyls, and promises to “send all non-fathered avian creatures to hell where they belong.” One time, Jane Doe came home and saw her husband being sodomized by a pterodactyl, so she stabbed it in the neck with a fork and bit its eyes out.
Everyone agrees this was pretty fucking cool and that Jane deserves her own variety show on Comedy Central.
Donations from $50.01- will receive a three paragraph description of their awesomeness as well as personal letter, from me, thanking them for being such a glorious human being. This letter will be hand-drafted on a piece of white computer paper and have a crudely hand-drawn picture of two Giant Sentient Human Penises having a sword fight.
Donations that are INFINITE will receive a hypothetical suck job. I can vouch that this hypothetical suck job will be clumsy, weird, and sexual as fuck.
PERSONAL STATEMENT
I don’t feel particularly comfortable asking for donations, so the above rules are the compromise I have reached with myself on the subject. I feel that since you have already generously donated your time in reading this site and have gone through extra mile and decided to donate money as well, you have a right to know the current state of my finances.
I currently have a full-time job, but use literally all of the money to help my mother pay her bills. I can’t see this changing in the foreseeable future, but if it does it is likely that this page will become a distant memory… unless I start to feel not weird about it.
On a final note, and this probably goes without saying:
YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL OBLIGATED TO DONATE
I will NOT get pissed off, refuse to write, or whine if this doesn’t meet my already low expectations. Seriously, my only expectation right now is that I may be able to buy one of those lap top cooling pads. My balls hurt, people. Don’t you want to help cool off my balls?
If you have any questions at all, please just leave them in a comment and I will answer as soon as time allows.
DONATE
After you make a donation through this here button, please send an e-mail to brandoncwoods@gmail.com letting me know the amount of your donation as well as what name you would like to add to the Contributors Page.
