Note: If the integrand should read e^(x^2 – y^2) I owe Professor Monty McGovern my extreme apologies for being too lazy to double check my work. My only excuse is that the last class I had on multi-variable calculus was over two years ago.
For the rest of you, all that junk up top should be equal to one unless I made the mistake mentioned in the previous paragraph.
ANNOUNCEMENT
Well boys and girls, the completely achievable has just been achieved. That’s right, you’re looking at THE NUMBER ONE BATTLESTAR GALACTICA LIVEBLOG ON THE INTERNET… ACCORDING TO GOOGLE… AT LEAST FOR RIGHT NOW!*
All it cost me was one very good friend, my self-respect, my integrity as a writer, an hour of my time every Friday, and 3,000 words of text per episode. That’s right readers, for every second that ticks by while you’re watching the show I’m not only writing one word I’m also having to make sure that that word is at least somewhat relevant to the plot. It would almost be impressive if it wasn’t advancing such a futile pursuit.
Seriously, we’ve got nothing to show for this.
Nothing.
And that may be the funniest thing of all.
RECOMMENDATION
As I’ve mentioned before, Adam Carolla has meant a lot to me in my life.
I’ll never forget the first time I heard him on Loveline. I was about thirteen years old, holding my little sister at about one or two o’clock in the morning, freaking out because she had a fever and I had no idea what to do. My mother and step-father were out on the town and wouldn’t answer their phones. I turned on the television, because I needed something to distract me, and Adam Carolla’s nasally drone started making fun of a girl for having a boyfriend with a J shaped penis. I laughed out loud and suddenly, I felt okay again.
I know it sounds pretty ridiculous, but I consider Adam Carolla as something of a role model and I was very unhappy when I heard that the station that hosted his show was converting to a Top 40 format. I’ve always loved the intimacy of radio, and feel like I know Adam Carolla, so I want to do everything I can to promote his new website.
Even though his show only went off the air this morning, there’s already a message up promising new shows by Monday with future guest appearances with people like Dr. Drew, Jimmy Kimmel, and Joel McHale.
I’ll review the first show when it comes up and dedicate an entire post to it, but for now I’m just doing my part to help out the Ace Man. I figure I owe it to him after all his years in radio.
RECAP
Last week on BSG we discovered that John Hodgman is a space brain surgeon as well as the anthropomorophic projection of all personal computers. I’ve always said that the man has range. If they make a movie out of Neil Gaiman’s “American Gods” Hodgman should be cast as the New God of the internet.
Good Christ do I love making commentary that no one understands.
We also discovered a bunch of stuff I’m still trying to wrap my head around. It turns out Cavil is a huuuge asshole who basically destroyed human civilization all by his little ol’ lonesome. Unless BSG wants to brain frak us some more, which I would not take off the table.
Ellen Tigh is the mother of all Cylons, the Final Five travelled from Earth in a ship that moved at sub-light speeds, and Cylon incest is wincest.*
All right boys and girls, strap into your seats and hold on tight this here’s the wildest ride on the internet!
BEGIN LIVEBLOG
~8:00pm
I’ve found that by watching “Moonlight” while also listening to “The Bugle” I am able to overcome my natural system shock when BSG begins.
We’re reviewing that the Galactica is broken, that Tigh knocked up his woman, and that Anders head is all crazy. Also Ellen is a Cylon and she escaped using mad skills that have to do with someone helping her.
Now we’re on teh Galactica and people are attempting to fix the shitty infrastructure. Apparently all you need to put the bio resin on is a paint brush and a bucket. It’s a goo that hardens to become cartiledge and becomes what the base ship is made out of. Now we’re in a part of the Galactica where people are handing out food pellets. For some reason a Six is walking around. Someone called her on being a Cylon. She doesn’t want any trouble. They brought trouble. Now she is kicking ass.
Is this pregnant Six? All the people look like they want to harm her now.
Adama is hoping that painting his ship with goo will work.
~8:02pm
Tigh and Six are happy that their kid has a strong heart. Tigh wants Six to stay in the med bay because he doesn’t trust the machine and the irony is hysterical. Six says she’d feel better if she could sleep with Tigh. I hope to God they’re not related to one another in the grand scheme of things.
Just picked up Ellen’s raptor on Dradis. YES! Starbuck is in a raptor. Heavy raiders look awesome. Seems like they have a Sharon on board through some kind of verification method.
~8:04pm
Everyone has gathered in the landing bay. Adama included. I guess they know the 8 has to be Boomer because all the other 8′s are dead. Ellen Tigh just stepped out. She called Adama Bill. Hot Dog wants to know how many dead chicks are out there. She wants a hand down off the Raptor. The Chief told Boomer it was nice to see her again, but in an angry way. Adama is pissed off because the bitch shot him.
Ellen and Saul just saw each other. Damn it. Now I’m all misty. It’s going to suck when she finds out he knocked up a Six.
Cut to bumper. I still swear to God I hear the word radio every time this plays right in the middle before it gives the survivor count.
~8:06pm
Commercial.
Okay, Ellen is back, we’re painting the Galactica with goo. So what does the goo feed on? Metal? Are they going to have to get some guy with a spray gun full of auger broth? Let’s speculate. I’m guessing they don’t have to worry about any of that stuff because the Galactica is broken anyway and it won’t last long enough for it to matter. I would have really enjoyed seeing a Base Ship as a kind of self sustaining ecosystem. That would have been cool to see how they recycled matter. But here’s one thing I don’t get.
What organic substance can you hit with a nuke? I don’t think there is one. Even considering that they’re in space and the nuke can only strike at the surface.
We’re got ANOTHER Pure Sleep commercial here folks. How much have they paid for advertising. I would really love to know. How much does ad time on the sci-fi channel cost. During a big show like BSG? HOW CAN THEY BE SELLING ENOUGH PRODUCT TO JUSTIFY THIS GIVEN THE FACT THAT NOT EVERYONE SNORES!
That’s the real mystery. Fuck all that stuff going on with the Final Five. If PureSleep is paying millions of dollars over the course of BSG for advertising, doesn’t it have to sell millinos of PureSleep units?
~8:09pm
Ellen is explaining that Cavil wants the Final Five to rebuild resurrection. She’s explaining that Cavil hates evolution as well as trial and error. Ellen is having a hard time making Bill and Roslin believe that she’s really Ellen. Adama gave her a flask. Classy. Ellen took a giant swig. Also classy.
Ellen is asking to see the rest of the Cylons. Ellen wants Roslin to imagine that instead of 50,000 Survivors that there were only 5. Tigh is consoling Ellen. She wants Tigh to remember, but all he has are flashes. The news has just been dropped that Anders was badly injured.
~8:11pm
Adama says he would see what he could do about arranging a vistation. Roslin is looking none too happy. Tigh says he can’t believe Ellen’s there. He has to ask her so much. Kissing now. He really ought to tell her he got the Six pregnant. Now they’re going to bone on the Floor. Ellen’s putting the Cylon moves on him. Tigh looked up and saw the Six’s face when he started to bone her. Does that mean anything? Now the Six is having labor pains… because of Tigh’s infidelity? Cylon babies are really worried about this love thing.
~8:13pm
We’re down in Baltar’s sex cult. Batlar is watching his ladies from behind a chair. No one has noticed him yet. So he coughed. Now his main sex cult lady has gasped. Gaius says he missed her, and this one chick is just looking extremely depressed. Now depresssed chick is confronting Baltar for being a coward. Baltar wants to know what he missed. Depressed chick says they have had no supplies since Baltar left. Did they whore themselves out for food? Yup, I think they whored themselves out for food. Or killed people. There’s no way of knowing with these bitches.
Men in the halls with guns in their hands. The women took the guns, and took a bunch of food. Depressed chick isn’t buying any of Batlar’s crap. Gaius is angry. Magic Six is talking to him.
~8:15pm
Ellen says Tigh was very satisfying, and wants to know who he frakked. She says she knows he frakked someone because they’ve been married for thousands of years and thought she was dead. Tigh doesn’t want to confess. It was Caprica Six, Ellen is mad now. Ellen says she’s grossed out because they made the Sixes. Ellen is mad that she was Tigh’s mental porn. She’s laughing now because Tigh is still seeing the Six.
Adama is back looking at all the goo pain. They’re applying it with a paint brush. I can so not get over that.
~8:17pm
Everyone is standing around Ander’s bed. Cottle told everyone not to unplug anything. Ellen just walked into the med bay. All the Final Five are together… except Tigh. Ellen ran her hand down Tory’s face. Now Galin’s face. Tigh is there, nevermind. Ellen says Anders had bad timing with the whole brain collapse thing.
Six says that all the Cylons belong together and should jump away to start a new life. Six wants to go, so does the 8, and the Caprica. Tory wants the 13th Tribe to survive in its purest form.
Ellen is starting to look angry. I don’t think she knew the Caprica Six was pregnant. She’s getting all weepy. Yup. Oh Tigh, I would not want to be in your shoes.
~8:19pm
Commercial
On the other hand, if I were in Saul Tigh’s shoes that means I would have had sex with Caprica Six, which on the whole of things would not be so bad. On the other hand, I would have had my eye plucked out while being held captive. I’m not sure how I balance those things out, but I like having both my eyes. It lets me do all kinds of awesome thing with depth perception. Like dropping coins into cups, which has helped me I don’t even know how many times.
Okay, so I suppose we should talk about the show here a little bit. Caprica Six is pregnant so they want to go find a new planet somewhere where they can have a new pure Cylon race. Ellen Tigh wants to stay with the Fleet and start a new blended race with the humans, because she sees that as the only way for the Cylon race to survive. Cavil just wants to kill everyone at this point because he’s an asshole.
Also, if Five people who had never seen functioning resurrection technology were able to recreate it… show’s back.
~8:22pm
Tigh wants the Five to stay. Ellen is pissed that Tigh got a Six pregnant. She’s said Tigh can’t stop poisoning her. Now Tigh just told Ellen to go. Cylons want to vote on Majority rule. Galin voted the Cylons leave. Anders said he would stay on the Fleet. Apparently Ellen and Tigh couldn’t have children. Tory wants to go. Ellen hasn’t decided. Tigh wants to stay. So they’re deadlocked.
~8:24pm
We’re back with the sex cult, and the sex cult is now starting to use capitalism to get food. Gaius is walking around in a blanket looking like a hobo. Now he’s hitting on some woman named Nia. Now he’s being nice to her kid so he can get some action. Her son’s name is Gaius. The son was named after hsi father. Is this Baltar’s kid? How old is he? It’s about time one of Baltar’s bastards showed up. Depressed chick says they can’t help people who are starving.
Gaius says all the children need to eat. Now he wants everyone to listen to him, and he’s going to feed all the people. As God is his witness. Now the woman is hugging him, and hel ooks like he has a boner. All his cult bitches are disgusted.
~8:26pm
Roslin called Caprica by her name. She’s congratulating Caprica on the baby, and asking if she’s alright considering the assault and Ellen being back. Caprica is looking all wounded now. Roslin wants to talk about shared visions. Apparently no one has had a vision in a while. Roslin wants to know if the child Caprica is carrying is important. Roslin realized she just made a huge boo boo by talking about someone’s child like a tool.
Starbuck wants to know when the bar got a piano. Galin is at the bar now. Starbuck says watching Ellen and Tigh make out was like watching her parents make out. Is this supposed to be a Cylon clue?
~8:28pm
Starbuck told Galin to go stare at Boomer while she sleeps. Adama is staring at the cracks in his ship. People painting.
Ellen has gone to visit Caprica. Ellen said “oh look at you!” in a very evil way. Now Ellen is telling Caprica she hasn’t changed much. This is very awkward and I’m in an entirely different cosmology. Ellen is angry that Caprica has rid Tigh of booze.
She told Caprica she had sex with Saul. Now I really don’t like Ellen. Oh Caprica, I would be nice to you! I hate it when people say hurtful things! STOP SAYING HURTFUL THINGS!
~8:30pm
Ellen says all the proof Caprica needs that Saul loves her is the child. Ellen is making threats now. Caprica is pissed. Now she’s telling Ellen that she’s sorry her womb is barren, but get the fuck over it because Saul is her man now. Ellen is now telling Caprica that she gets to have Tigh. Is she going to do something horrible now? No, looks like she’s leaving. Six is crying.
Baltar is handing out food and what looks like toilet paper. Baltar told depressed chick that there is no rioting. Depressed chick keeps trying to keep the food. Some guy with well treated hair wants to steal Gaius’ supply. The ladies are now pulling out guns. Baltar surrendered the food without a fight. Brave brave Gaius Baltar.
~8:33pm
Back to my thought at the last commercial. Why is it that in all sci-fi shows once something has been made everyone tries to go after the makers of the technology or the technology itself, even if that takes thousands of years? Really? Is that your strategy? Why not try to reverse engineer Resurrection since you apparently saw how it worked for 40 years and know Biology well enough that you could create eight entirely new human beings.
Now different, point. Does anyone really believe that Ellen Tigh has given up Saul? Even after all she’s done to get back to him? They’re like poison to each other. There’s no way she’s going to let Caprica Six live let alone have that baby. She and Tigh have been together for thousands of years, and at the end of the day she’s still Ellen Tigh. She loves booze and she loves her man, and most of all she loves chaos.
I have a feeling we’re going to see someone take a tumble down a flight of stairs before the end of this season. And when is Cavil going to show up? Because apparently the Cylons can very easily find the Fleet as evidenced by Ellen just being able to hop into a Raptor and go there.
~8:36pm
Adama and Tigh are getting frakked up together. Adama wants to know if there have been any mythic revelations since the Final Five have all gotten together. Adama is totally sloshed. Adama wants to know if Tigh was born. Tigh says he can’t remember, and now they’re all laughing. Tigh is laughing about how his grandfather was a power center. Adama can hear the ship creaking. They’re talking about the Cylon goop. Adama says she won’t be the same Galactica if the goop works.
~8:38pm
Adama is breakign down and letting Tigh know that he needs help. Laura and Lee are apparently up to something. Adama sees something… damn it.
Baltar’s sex cult is afraid of a group called the Sons of Aries. Head Six is back talking to Gaius. She wants to know if he really wanted to feed those people. Baltar says he enjoys affection, and loves giving. Head Six is giving him a puzzled look. Depressed chick is rousing the Sex Cult against Gaius.
Gaius now wants to know what Depressed Chick has been going on about. He’s giving this whole speech about how helping others is the one thing they have left now. He’s even doing this smarmy condescending thing. Depressed chick is just looking at him like “WTF? I am hungry, mother fucker.”
~8:40pm
Gaius says there is a way to bring hope to the Lower Decks. Head Six is giving him narration. She’s telling Gaius that they can get more guns. Gaius seems surprised by the direction Head Six gave. I really don’t know what her game is anymore.
Back with Adama looking at the goo. He’s running his hands all over the struts.
Ellen and Saul are talking. Tigh is telling Ellen that Galactica needs the Base Ship. Ellen wants to know why Tigh frakked her if his real love was at home. Ellen is angry that her stuff is gone. Why can’t we just get some polygamous action?
~8:42pm
The other Five are coming together. Caprica is there now too. She’s using this as leverage to get Saul back. That’s the whole point of this thing. Tigh is saying that pure Cylon and pure Human don’t work. Caprica Six wants to know what’s going on. Oh boy I hate you Tory. Saul wants to stay with Caprica Six.
~8:44pm
Ellen is yelling at Caprica now because she’s jealous of Bill Adama. Oh my God she’s such a bitch. I thought when she resurrected the bitch had been left out. Apparently as Tigh’s love is withdrawn the baby starts to die.
~8:44pm
Commercial.
So what does the Cylon baby have to do with the vision? Are there two other factions we haven’t seen now? Head Six Head Baltar Faction and the Regular Vision Faction? What would they want if there was more than one Faction? The Good Faction probably wants Unity, and the Head Six and Head Baltar seem to really Hera. So what is going on with this baby being the cause of visions ending? Where are all this goddamn visions coming from?
Ugh, if they just go “Hey… um God did it” I am going to be pissed. I really wish television would change to incorporate an End Game into the series Bible. I’m tired of shows just going on and on and on with no point.
All stories have beginnings middles and ends. They’re not supposed to have a beginning, a middle for as long as it is financially justifiable, and then an ending made up at the spur of the moement with no natural basis.
Also, how creepy is the person who wants to own costumes worn by Six?
~8:48pm
Apparently Ellen caused all this baby dying nonsense with trying to make Tigh choose. Caprica Six wants them to stop arguing. Okay, so now it seems like the vision stopping baby is also forcing the humans to stay together. So is he on the side of the good guys too? That would really help keep the Factions down.
Now Ellen and Tigh are both crying over Caprica Six’s womb.
Adama is still looking at his goop covered ship, because the Galactica is his baby. Ellen is now encouraging Tigh to tell Caprica that he loves her.
~8:50pm
I wonder how many gay men watch this show and have fantasies about Michael Hogan telling them he loves them as they lay dying. Now Tigh is talking about how he feels love enough to fill a frakkin’ room but how words just ruin everything he’s trying to say.
Adama is crying about how crappy his ship is. Caprica wants Cottle to cut the baby out. Is Ellen’s love necessary to make the baby live? Ellen is telling Caprica that Saul loves her the most. This whole thing they have going on is just weird. Ellen is going to jump away. The baby flatlined. Gods damn it.
~8:52pm
Caprica Six is crying. Now I feel bad too. Galactica looks like it’s falling apart. Adama says he’s going to take a dump because it is more constructive than listening to Baltar go on. Baltar is talking about how the civilians are starving and have no government. Baltar is talking about how Galactica is slipping away. Now he wants to know when the centurions are going to come over.
Baltar says the people are on the brink of rebellion. Adama is looking really pissed off at Baltar. Now Baltar is getting a bunch of guns. Depressed chick is loading a bunch of weapons. Baltar is shit with guns. All his sex cult chicks are getting wet holding the guns. This is going to go nowhere good.
~8:54pm
We’re looking at a sleeping Boomer. The chief is right there watching her with his perv eyes. Looks like Anders pulse is raising.
Tigh just walked into Adama’s room and started crying. Adama is holding him. I love their man love. Now Tigh is talking about how it’s not like Zak, but still he’s depressed.
~8:56pm
Sixes and Eights are painting more of the ship. Really, painting. I CANNOT get over that. A six is looking at the wall and being very sad. Who was she being sad at? Pictures of the Cylons who have died since the alliance. They’re talking about how the blending has already happened.
END SHOW
~8:57pm
I don’t know why the show keeps cutting out so early. It used to run right up until the last second. I think the whole point of this episode was that if the Cylons and Humans don’t come together they’ll die. Hybridism is supreme. The Galactica will die if a balance can’t be found.
So what do the damned Head people want? And why haven’t we seen a Head Baltar in a while? Why are they laying the ground for rebellion while trying to create hybrid children? I do not understand their motives at all.
PREVIEWS FOR NEXT WEEK
Starbuck wants to know if she’s a ghost or a demon. Only 4 more episodes. Someone wants an 8 tried for treasons. Part of a ship blows up, and an 8 screams while hugging Helo.
*unless Google is doing something to my search results using my account information to give this site a deceivingly high page rank. Also, thank you to io9.com, tor.com, and scifiwire.com for not having BSG liveblogs. That totally would have screwed me.
*I am going to go ahead and guess I did not make up this word. I thought I made up the word twincest, but found out it had been independantly created by many others. Every time I see an incest joke I of course feel sad for the entire human race. Blegh.
