This Week in Nerdery
But before we do that, we’ll cover last week in Nerdery, because I cannot believe I forgot to tell this story.
Last Week in Nerdery
So, there I was driving my sister to dance practice when we passed her friend the Mormon Angel. You may remember Mormon Angel. She is the girl that told me she was moving away (she did for a little while before moving back) in order to play upon my sympathies so that I would take her and my little sister to see “Sisterhood the Traveling Pants II.” Anyway, she was walking to dance practice and had forgotten to take her coat.
Since we were going the same place I stopped to offer her a ride. She politely told my little sister and I that she would be fine. Since she only had another two blocks, I figured there wasn’t any harm in letting her walk. Then, right after I dropped off my little sister, it started to snow. I turned around looking for Mormon Angel.
When I found her again, I rolled down the window and said “Come on pal! It’s snowing, let me give you a ride.” At which point Mormon Angel turned to me like she had no idea who I was, dropped her jaw, and just started running as fast as she possibly could away from the car.
You know how sometimes you’ve done nothing wrong but you’re in situation that looks so bad you feel you deserve to be arrested based solely on how bad it looks. That was how I felt.
Tuesday:
I got to learn all sorts of fun stuff about FTP clients, wordpress themes, and what a horrible horrible bitch it is to make your website look the way you want it to. If the Internet were a woman it would never get laid, because it takes too much effort to get it to do what you want.
Friday:
All I have eaten today is broccoli and eggs. Breakfast and lunch. But I’m still in a good mood because as you can see by looking a bit up the page I have a brand new banner that kicks serious ass.
If any of you other artists out there want to make another banner, feel free, the offer always stands. However, I think my friend ShawShaw has set the standard pretty high. Also, note the Battlestar Galactica running through the text. How very appropriate for today.
Recommendation:
You know those big long author review things I like to do but don’t do anymore now that I decided they were creepy and wrong? Well, I was going to do one on Tobias Buckell because aside from being an amazing author of some fantastic books, he’s also a black man that looks completely and utterly Caucasian. I had a whole bit worked out about how Tobias Buckell is the personification of the concept of having your mind fucked, which is what makes him such a good writer. Anyway, he got sick, and I had a rare moment of reflection about how creepy I can be, so I felt like it would be in poor tastes to write that.
Except for just now, which is excused by this meta reference. It’s like where you as a person can’t do something really offensive, but if you create a character and portray it you can say pretty much anything you want. Try it some time: it’s a fact. I used to think I could get away with this just because I’m mental, but it never works out because I don’t look particularly mental. I think it may have something to do with the fact I part my hair to the side and wear glasses.
Anyway, check out Crystal Rain, Ragamuffin, and Sly Mongoose. You have my full recommendation that you are about to be punched in the face with awesome.
In the interests of full disclosure, I have not actually finished all of Sly Mongoose. I read the first third that was freely available on the author’s website, and then two things happened. I couldn’t find it in stores while I had enough money to buy it, and then when I could find it I was broke again. However, I have read the first two and they are awesome and what I have read of Sly Mongoose was also awesome.
BEGIN LIVEBLOG
Pre-Show Thoughts:
I’m convinced Starbuck is part of some resurrecting human faction. These people are the “Cylons” created by the tin cans on Earth. If that’s true I wouldn’t be surprised if other people in the Fleet had the same affliction. Adama for example could very easily be killed in this episode and come back to life as well. Also, if Tigh is dead I expect him to show up with Ellen and a brand new eye ball.
Also, for some reason, if I listen to ABBA I flex my right butt cheek in time to the music. But only my right butt cheek. The left butt cheek never so much as twinges. I should stop listening to it or I will develop a lopsidedly muscular ass. Or turn gay. Maybe both.****
~8:00pm
All right ladies, get ready to flash those tits and throw those panties, because we’re about to liveblog Battlestar motherfuckin’ Galactica! Is it me or has the humidity in the room become palpable since the show started? Lot of ladies needing a lot of love here tonight! Oh yeah! *Begin Strip Club Music*
And I just want to say again, that watching the craptastic vampire drama “Moonlight” before watching BSG is exactly what I imagine it’s like to mix drugs. First you get a super low and then you super high again. Highly recommended.
Anyhow, we’re going through the recap. Gaeta gets to voice it. Reviewing the whole horrible situation. Oh Gaeta, I so hope you die this episode. I hope the execution squad turns as a single unite and pumps you full of space lead. Which is probably way more painful than regular lead.
Adama is so good at almost dying. It’s his one gift in life. He’s life the Mozart of almost dying. He just does it beautifully. Back with the situation where everyone is going to die.
Roslin is in the raptor heading toward the Base Star. Gaeta wants to shoot her. A Pegasus asshole just went into that storage bay and picked up Tigh and Adama. They have a pet name for him too. It’s the brig rat.
~8:02pm
Back on the CIC. Hot Dog is out chasing the raptor. Are you really going to kill them? That one other pilot who looks like a male pornstar is yelling at Hog Dog to kill the people on the raptor. Roslin has just gotten on the raptor. Gaeta ordered the transmission to be jammed. Nacho wants to kill the president because he hates America. Even though he has never heard of it.
Tigh is being put with the Cylon prisoners. Adama is being brought to the CIC. Hot Dog is refusing to kill Roslin. Nacho told him not to think. Always a good idea. Hot Dog kil Nacho! Kill his ass dead! Do the right thing Farm Face! Raptor just boarded the Base Ship.
~8:04pm
Roslin is on the Base Ship. They’re all pissed off about the revolution. Baltar is laying out the situation. Tori is standing there being a bitch. She’s not saying anything, but she’s looking pretty bitchtastic. Everyone wants to wait for the Final Four now. Roslin told them to move the Base Ship into the middle of the Fleet for cover.
Adama is doing his death stare at Gaeta. He called Gaeta a rat. Adama is going to kill somebody. It’s going to be awesome. He’s just refused to call Roslin over the wireless. Gaeta just screwed up and called Adama the Admiral. Hahaha. Even when you took over the ship you still fear him. He’s got all the guns pointed at him, and you’re afraid. Oh Gaeta, you little pussy.
~8:06pm
The Base Ship is moving intot he middle of the Fleet. Good for you Base Ship. Gaeta just had to order a stand down. Gaeta is ordering everyone to spin up the FTL so they can jump. Gaeta also called Zarak a Mister. Adama dared Gaeta to shoot him. Oh Edward James Olmos, I wish you were my best friend so you could teach me how to have that manly gravelly look.
~8:08pm
First commercial.
I spent all day recovering my lost itunes library which was fun. I watched a bunch of episodes of the Pretender that I downloaded over a year ago. That was a really good show. And you know who is hot? Ms. Parker. Christ that woman has this frigid bitch stare that makes me think “oh baby, I’d like to wipe that smile off your face.” Not just because she’s hot, but because by inserting it into the the BSG Live-blog I can sound really super sexist, and that is always funny.
What else is new? I’m hungry because I’ve had nothing to eat today, but it’s gone past the “I need to eat damn it!” stage into “I’ll just wait a while” stage. I’ll probably go to the store tomorrow and spend the few dollars I have on a bag of peanuts and some more broccoli.
But man that cape better be awesome. If I get it before the end of Battlestar Galactica I’m going to wear it for each live-blog fingering its plush heft between my fingers. I should also get a burger king crown and a Superman ring. You think I’m a pathetic virgin now? I’ll be even more pathetic and MORE virginal once I have all that stuff.
But seriously, send me pictures of your awesome boobs, because it’s what God wants.
~8:11pm
Zarak just landed on the Galactica. He’s trading frak jokes with some of the Galactica crew members. Starbuck and Lee are still free! Fuck yes. I can’t wait for them to kill somebody. Roslin is onboard the Raptor trying to get a wireless signal to the Fleet.
Now we’re with all the Cylons in captivity. Hera is looking very mysterious as Helo lays on the floor and bleeds. Tigh cracked a Gaeta has only one leg joke.
Gaeta is having a trial for Adama with the full Quorum. Gaeta wants people to answer for what they’ve done. Zarak is such a piece of shit. Such a humungous piece of shit. Tyrol is also free. I can’t wait to see what kind of shit the chief is goign to start. Awesome lawyer dude is being pushed somewhere, worrying about his dog, because his dog is all he has.
~8:14pm
Zarak is reading all the charges against Adama, unable to make eye contact. Awesome Lawyer Dude is being made to handle the monkey defense. Gaeta is going to represent the people. Gaeta says he’s working on the side of justice. Adama is just sitting there making everyone nervous. My God, they are still so scared of him. Lawyer Dude has accepted the responsibility. Zarak is going to be the judge of the trial.
Adama told Gaeta that he doesn’t need a liar. Called the whole thing a joke. Lawyer Dude asked for some time aloen with Adama probably to learn his awesome man secret. Gaeta has allowed it. Where are the common soldiers loyal to Adama? I know they have to exist.
~8:16pm
Roslin still can’t get a signal through. Should have used verizon wireless Adama. Tori wants to talk. Really? This is going nowhere good.
Tyrol is prying open a vent of some kind. Is he going to break the Galactica? I bet he could do it. Zarak said the world is upside down, and now he’s trying to sell the Quorum on what an asshole he is. What are you going to do Quorum? Lots of murmuring. I bet the Aberdeen City Council sucks like this. The Quorum has told MR. VICE PRESIDENT TOM ZARAK to leave. That’s right. Vice President. You dipshit. We all know you’re a frakking terrorist.
Now Zarak is being emo about what a dipshit he is.
~8:18pm
Zarak just had the Quorum assassinated. Brig Rat is on his way to get Gaeta. How is Gaeta going to feel about this hmm?
~8:18pm
Second commercial.
Oh, you know what’s awesome? NO SNORING COMMERCIALS! FUCK YES! I hope they went out of business. They deserve it after spending all that money on a product that almost no one at all can use. Umm… what else? My friend Erin sent me the beginning of a story that shows a lot of promise. I can’t wait to read the end of it. I should probably go ahead and get started on the second story we’re writing together. Then we can put our heads together and figure out how all of the stories fit together.
Also, Erin’s mom is a total MILF. Just amazingly MILFtastic.
~8:21pm
Back with the Quorum. Gaeta is staring at their dead bodies. Gaeta said it was murder. Zarak said it was okay because it was a coup. Is Gaeta going to get killed now? I think so. I hope so. Gaeta is angry because they had the truth on their side. Zarak said the truth belongs to whoever is left standing. What a shit-hole. Tom Zarak is the worst person who ever lived. Ever. After Tor, and my sister, and probably a bunch of other people.
Tyrol is crawling around in some vents. If there’s one thing I know about stories, is that when someone is crawling around in vents the evil dictator is about to get overthrown.
The Cylons are jumping away from the Final Four. Tori is a coward. A Six is letting Roslin know the facts of life. Roslin says they should stick it out. Because they’ve lived damn it. And go fuck yourself, because we’ve defied the odds. Roslin says Adama is alive because you know what? He’s Bill Mother Fuckin’ Adama and he likes to kick ass and chew bubblegum. And you know what else? There is no fucking gum on the Galactica.
~8:24pm
Brig rat has a gun to Tyrol’s head. Tyrol said go ahead and shoot him because he’s tired. Tyrol says go ahead and shoot him because he’s a machine and Brig Rat’s a dumbass. Now they’re both laughing. I think we might have Starbuck and Helo come to the rescue. Brig Rat says the Galactica used to be a hell of a ship. Once.
Brig Rat thinks it is funny that Tyrol’s kid isn’t a Cylon. Tyrol says it wouldn’t have mattered because he loved Callie. Just like I loved Callie. Now Brig Rat is telling Tyrol to run for it. You know what? I think I like Brig Rat a little bit. Now he’s shouting Frak.
~8:26pm
Lawyer Dude is playing with a pen. Adama is just saying fuck it. He won’t sign a statement. Zarak and Gaeta are going to fail. Wait till word gets out that the Quorum is dead. Lawyer Dude says they’re ready to proceed. You know what? I like Lawyer Dude too.
Starbuck just smashed someone’s head while they were taking a leak. I like you Starbuck!
Baltar is not injured. He’s looking at a Six. Is this Head Six?
Lee and Starbuck want to kill a bunch of people. Good for them. Lee threw a grenade. I think it was a dud. Yup. but the bullets were real. I don’t know why Lee holstered though. Haha, he didn’t pull the pin. Starbuck said it wasn’t funny, but really it totally was funny.
~8:28pm
Starbuck and Lee have freed all the Cylons. Tigh says he doesn’t know what’s going on with the Old Man. Now Lee has to watch all these beat to shit people. I hope Hera doesn’t get killed. Anders has a gun now he’s goign to go with his wife into battle. Sam just got shot by some guy with horrible hair. Where’d it go? Head wound? I think Anders is out for the count.
~8:29pm
Third commercial.
Apparently there’s a flight suit from the show that is for sale. I wish I could buy that. Can you imagine how awesome it would be to liveblog BSG while wearing a BSG flight suit? AND A CROWN FROM BURGER KING?
Probably very amazing.
Also, I know I’ve said this a couple of times already and it probably doesn’t need to be said again, but ShawShaw you did a damn good job on that banner and I owe you one. That was so very nice of you and I can’t express my gratitude enough.
Now anything I say will sound ridiculous in contrast to that sentiment, so I will wait until the commercial break is over and start typing again when that happens.
~8:33pm
Starbuck is ordering Anders to look at her. Lee is ordering them to go. They want to ditch Anders with Baltar’s people because no one wants to go near those people. Starbuck has ordered Lee to leave her behind. Starbuck wants Anders brought to Kottle. But if Kottle is dead I think we may be seeing a Doctor Hodgman.
Where is Anders shot exactly? I can’t see the damned wound.
Gaeta accused Adama of abandoning everyone on Caprica. Uh? I remember him jumping into Atmo and saving your ass my friend.
Zarak just told Adama that Saul Tigh died trying to escape. The old man isn’t going to shed a single tear in front of these assholes. Gaeta is accusing Adama of being a friend of Saul Tigh. Yes he was. So fuck you. Zarak has just said that Adama is guilty. Roslin has come on over the radio.
Roslin gave some orders to the Fleet about Galactica having been taken over. Adama is just looking at Gaeta like I don’t even know what.
~8:36pm
Starbuck is dragging Anders along a hallway. Lawyer Dude has just come intot he hallway. NOW LAWYER DUDE IS BEATING UP HIS GUARD! GOOD FOR YOU LAWYER DUDE!
Now he’s got some keys. Starbuck is begging Lawyer Dude to help Anders get to Cottle. Now Lawyer Dude is being an asshole. Fuck this music, get him to Hodgman! Get Dr. Hodgman there immediately! Lawyer Dude is helping! Yay Lawyer Dude!
Gaeta just lost ten ships. Is the Fleet being divided? Nacho is assmebling an execution squad. Fuck you Nacho. Zarak doesn’t trust Gaeta. What is your plan by the way Zarak? After you have control of Galactica? I still haven’t heard it.
~8:38pm
Adama is walking to his own execution like he’s taking a Sunday stroll. Brig Rat can’t force himself to go alogn with it. So now he’s crying all alone in a hallway somewhere.
Lee is getting some awesome space guns. Tigh is following behind. Tyrol is still crawling through a bunch of ventilation shafts. Now Lee is questioning Brig Rat. Brig Rat is telling him about the execution squad. Brig Rat is going to come and help! Yay Brig Rat!
I think this is a dream sequence. Everyone is aming guns at Adama. Adama just got shot to hell. It was Baltar’s dream. Head Six is putting her tongue in his ear to make him feel better. Oh yes, the illusions are back.
~8:40pm
Head Six wants to make Baltar feel better. Baltar says he can’t feel his legs. Or something. He’s doing his crazy Baltar stare. Baltar says he was running away form his fans. He says he’s mad at his fans for loving him so much. He says he has to go back to the Galactica and protect his people. Good for you Gaius Baltar. Way to man up. Finally.
Adama is standing in the launch tube looking at the people about to shoot him like they’re the ones that don’t have a good gods’ damn idea what is going on.
Roslin is ordering the Fleet be given back to Adama. Roslin says they have five minutes to surredender. Gaeta is looking around the Old Man’s office. I hope he finds something that lets him know just how much the Old man cares. He’s got the Old Man’s Admiral pins in his hands.
~8:42pm
Gaeta ordered the execution be carried out. Tight has a gun on him. Good for you Tight. They’re getting the Old Man off the ship. Or back in control. Brig Rat is holding a gun on some people. Adama is looking at everyone who held a gun on him. Is he going to offer them a chance to help him? He called Nacho a lieutenant. Nacho said he has always respected Adama but he hates the Cylons too much. I think Adama is going to let him go. I think this is going to split the Fleet. Now they’re going to tie Nacho up with some space rope.
~8:44pm
Tyrol is still crawling around some air ducts. That is NEVER a good sign for the people being assholes.
Zarak is telling Roslin that Tigh and Adama are dead. Roslin looks devestated. Zarak you need to die now. He’s calling for her surrender? OH NO YOU DIDN’T!
Roslin says she won’t ever surrender. Oh fuck yes! YES YES YES! She says she will use her teeth to kill Zarak. She says she’s coming for all of them! I was totally going to make a joke and type “I’m cumming for all of you” but it was so glorious when she did it that I couldn’t.
~8:45pm
Okay, so I think all the rebels are going to be shuttled off to ships and allowed to go on their own way. They can’t stay, there’s nowhere to keep them prisoner. So really, it’s the only option. You can’t kill all of them. I love this show for continually defying my expectations. I thought that we’d get a mysterious ship appearance or something like that. But they zigged when I thought they were going to zag, and that’s what makes this show such damn compelling television.
Also, how seriously heart broken would you be if you found out in real life that Michael Hogan wears a beret and takes his shirt off to use a potter’s wheel while listening to Enya? I would just feel like my heart had cracked in half, get down on my knees and cry. I need him to be a mean old man who yells at people all the time. Be mean Michael Hogan! Be mean! If I ever see you in real life I want you to cuff my ear so hard it start to bleed and tell me to get a frakkin’ life.
OH FUCK! THERE WAS JUST A PURE SLEEP COMMERCIAL. GOD. DAMN. IT.
~8:49pm
Zarak is now the Dictator of the Galactica. Base Ship is arming weapons. Gaeta wants to jump away to a new rendezvous point. Tyrol has exited his shaft. He’s hitting a button now. This will be the button that makes the Galactica not work anymore.
Adama is walking his whole group of people to the CIC. I can’t wait to see what happens when they get there. We’ve got a lot of the deck crew following him. We’ve even got a ticking clock. Tyrol just pulled out some important converter. Or something. It makes jumping impossible. I love that jump engines can be fixed with things like pipe wrenches.
Zarak is freaking out and ordering Gaeta to deploy birds. Gaeta looks high. Gaeta ordered a weapons hold. Zarak just realized how fucked he is. Adama has a gun. And he’s holding it on Gaeta. Everyone is being forced to drop to their knees. I’d make Gaeta start sucking if I were them. Now Adama is getting connected with Roslin. I call that a love connection.
Adama just secured the Galactica. You are so right for having faith Roslin. But not in the gods. In Bill Mother Fucking Adama. The ONE TRUE GOD of Battlestar Galactica.
~8:52pm
Adama gave his man stare of vengeance to Gaeta. Tyrol is looking unwell. I think he’s been exposed to radiation maybe? I don’t know. There’s something on the wall down in the jump engines. A crack? I can’t tell. Roslin just saw Adama standing there in all his glory and started crying. Are they going to tongue this time? Tongue! Tongue! Tongue!
Or hug. You’re old. It’s understandable you don’t have a huge libido.
~8:54pm
Gaeta is talking about scribbling on things as a child while he smokes. He’s talking to someone about his life. Baltar is looks like. He’s talking about his idea for restaraunts shaped like food. And buildings that have stairs. You know Gaeta, if you had been smarter this coup might have gone over a little bit better.
Gaeta wanted to be in medicine, engineering, and photography when he got older. Then he started to love science. Thought he was good at it, until he met Gaius Baltar. Gaeta is having a bunch of coffee or booze. Gaeta is refusing to hear about religion.
Gaeta says he’s fine with how things worked out. I wonder if they used to be lovers. I wouldn’t count it out. Gaeta says he hopes people realize who he is. I think we all do, Gaeta. I forgive you now that there’s not a possibility of you killing the old man.
~8:56pm
Zarak and Gaeta are sitting ready to get shot. Zarak is smiling and so is Gaeta. I love that they get human deaths that are goign to mean something. Instead of being villified to the end. Gaeta’s nub is gross. Just got shot.
Good effing show. Good.
~8:57pm
You’ll be happy to know Gaeta’s nub stopped itching when he finally died. This show is so good. Did you see how even those ignoble mutineers got an honorable and dramatic death? You felt like they were sympathetic at the end. This show is so masterfully done. From the writing to the cinematography everything is perfect. I can’t wait to see where this is all going.
PREVIEW FOR NEXT SHOW
Helen Tigh is being shown. All her significant moments in the series. Her return has been promised. We see her resurrecting somewhere. Another Base Ship. God this is going to be awesome.
**** Don’t listen to people who try to make fun of ABBA. People who hate ABBA hate life.
